IN THE United States each year, at least 1.8 million wives are beaten by their husbands. This is common to our Jamaican scenario and prevalent in all strata of society. Why would a man abuse the woman who cooks his food, takes care of his house and satisfies his sexual desires? Many factors.
A man may become abusive if his wife disagrees with him about anything especially if the disagreement occurs in public. He may regard this as personally threatening, arrogant, rude and incredibly disrespectful. Abuse may occur if a man thinks he has the right or even has the responsibility to impose his view on his spouse. Abuse may occur if a woman makes demands laced with threats. The threatened spouse often strikes back, fighting fire with fire, power with power.
Many women will be abused by men who have long-suppressed hurts, angers and frustrations, which they project on their innocent spouses. These men might have suffered some sort of mental, emotional or physical abuse as a child. From childhood, some developed ways of dealing with and suppressing the painful feelings. These feelings have been hidden even from themselves. Others have swallowed the lie that a strong man must handle his own problems. So if he is having problems at work instead of sharing these with his spouse, he struggles with the load until it becomes so overpowering and he is unable to deal with it and he throws it on his spouse. Some men become abusive due to their inability to manage their anger resulting in lack of self-control. There may be a conflict in which the man feels that his spouse made him unhappy or what the other person did was not fair. In this angry state he might be convinced that the offender needs to be taught a lesson. They then see punishment as the answer. The thought of abuse may be delayed until an angry outburst from the offender gives the person an opportunity to punish the offender.
Fault
Many women have lived with the 'you made me do it' lie for so long that they have begun to believe that they are at fault when they are being abused. Ladies you need to understand that you did not cause your husbands to beat you. It may be true that you might have made certain decisions concerning men that they will act that way because you grew up in an abusive situation. But your spouse must take full responsibility for his own actions and reactions to situations. Some women have stayed in abusive relationships thinking that they can change the man. You cannot change your man; that is not your job. As a matter of fact as you show him more love, it may threaten him because it makes him feel vulnerable and many men are fearful of vulnerability. The end result is that he may insulate himself or do something mean to cause you to back off. And some Christian wives have stayed in abusive relationships thinking that this is their Christian duty. Ladies you are not called by God to offer yourself as a punching bag to release pent-up emotions in anyone. Wife beating is a clear violation of scripture as it violates the principle of love. Please do not listen to the 'religious' voices that may tell you to pray harder and take whatever comes in order to be a submissive wife.
Friends and family have often decried the battered woman for staying in the abusive relationship. These women often say that they feel helpless to do anything about their situation because they fear what their men would do if they tried to leave. Some have left only to end up dead. Others do not have the economic resources to support themselves and their children if they should desire to leave. Is society sympathetic to the abused woman? I think not! When neighbours turn a deaf ear to the cry of an abused woman and society makes fun of a 'black eye', we are saying that abuse is okay. When there are not enough shelters to provide an escape for a wounded soul, the next generation will continue to perpetuate the lie, 'abuse is normal'.
Ivret Williams is a counselling psychologist. Send enquiries and comments to letstalk relationships@yahoo.com
