Rosemary Parkinson, Contributor
Rose the Reviewer is not a happy eater again. - CONTRIBUTED
AFTER TWO weeks of miserable 'eating out' I have had it. I find it insulting and disrespectful to spend my hard-earned money in misery. How many times must I repeat myself before it is understood? As consumers we deem it right to insist that when a restaurant opens, good, tasty food is presented in a pleasant ambience.
I am really offended that chefs need time to 'settle-een' (remember I wrote a few months ago about the 'settle-een' period chefs seem to require?) You can 'settle-een' for 100 years if you so please, but not on our money. That's called food robbery without a cause. So keep those darn doors closed until you get it right.
JAZZ FESTIVAL
During Jazz Festival I dined at the new Nikita's Décor: murky brown curtains. Murky brown tablecloths hang just off tables showing the single plastic (or is it iron?) leg in the centre. Uncomfortable chairs that need a bulldozer to push them into position. This must be a new trend. Napkins that slide. I mean, has anyone bothered to look at some of the fabulous magazines, websites, books on designing an ambience?
FOOD
The Pork with Hoisin Sauce was inedible; my friend's duck tasteless. I complained. I sent nearly all back. Crème Brule crust - cold. Management apologised. We were informed pork would be removed from the bill. It was not. We paid. I will not return until something is done about that. The one saving grace? The absolutely fantastic waiter, he attended my table once at Grand Lido Braco's Piacere Restaurant in the same charming, attentive way.
WHERE'S DE CHEF?
I was subsequently informed (it's happening again, folks!) "Chef was not in-house, he was at Jazz."
Now, what does that have to do with me, pray tell? He could have been in Timbuktu lolling off on a canoe for all I care. But he should ensure that in his absence those left behind in the kitchen are the same wondrous chef you claim to be, or simply close your doors until you return. When you leave someone obviously not up to par in your place - that reflects badly on the management.
I wrote this tongue-in-cheek poem to honour Nikita's Taste the Rhythm logo:
Nikita's have no fear,
for others too were there
and all complained,
about the dreadful fare.
But never mind,
dear friends of mine,
Once chef is in, all is fine.
So go and taste his food
divine,
But call and ensure he's keen
And finally 'settle-een'!
ENOUGH IS REALLY ENOUGH
Five of us had lunch at Groovy Grouper. It was not up to standard. I spoke to management more than a week ago. Knowing how quickly problems are solved in this well-run company (for which I have the utmost respect), I felt confident Groovy Grouper was back on track. Chef obviously did not have enough 'settle-een' time since my complaint.
Last Saturday night, a group of visiting friends wanted the beach, the lapping sea, the fresh air, the ambience of Doctor's Cave - that pristine stretch that lights up at night and screams, "Come to me for I am yours and I shall soothe you." I recommended Groovy Grouper. Soothed we were not.
APPETISERS
1. We all had problems with calamaris served in foil - for we (and many others) have fillings that do not fare well with this beloved method of wrap, and being shot screaming to the quarter moon was not on our agenda, plus, it is down right ugly.
2. We did not order Scotch bonnet with a touch of calamaris. Loving Scotch bonnet is one thing but having the roof of your mouth scorched is another.
3. We all ordered calamari, not chewing gum.
4. We all were not amused about dinner with paper napkins.
ENTREES
1. Two of us had a problem with our grouper - that divine creature of meat so plump and tender - being served in foil. The menu said "wrapped in banana leaves." Since when have banana leaves become a by-product of bauxite -namely, 'file' - as this purveyor of bad taste is commonly called. Freezer burned, flaky and tasteless was also not on the menu.
2. I told the waitress. She smiled. She did nothing. Guess she's heard that song before.
3. One guest had a problem with being served a sirloin steak so small and shrivelled, it was sad on the plate.
4. Two guests had very big problems with what appeared to be Grade III shrimp overcooked and rubbery - the lack of foil on these two latter dishes their only saving grace.
UNBELIEVABLE COFFEE BLUES
Running out of rice and peas for the entrees, so early on a Saturday evening, seemed foolish enough; but "Sorry, we have run out of coffee." It was shocking that in a country reputed for the world's best coffee, a restaurant could run out of the brew. Particularly when every souvenir store on the Hip Strip sells coffee. Someone could have borrowed a little petty cash and gone and purchased a little bag of Blue Mountain Coffee! Get real here. Maybe this review will shake your chef up a bit!
THE BREWERY
1. Please get rid of those awful gritty looking boxes around your chafing dishes used at the buffet lunch. Unless you are trying so badly to hide behind there. If you have to keep them, improve their look. How about some bright coloured paint, or your great logo printed on each one - anything.
2. My companion had the Caesar Salad and the sauce was quite unpalatable.
3. All in all, the buffet is good home-cooked fare, it is value for money and the outdoor deck is pleasant with a fine view of the bay. I can be good when good is due. But I am looking for ecstasy. I am looking for that impeccable, sweet taste of Caribbean food in its simplicity or taken up a notch.
WE NEED YOU
Restaurateurs, disguise yourselves. Go eat in your own restaurants incognito. Maybe then, you will get it. Understand that we need you. Those of us who love to go out and dine, need you. If you are responsible enough to open a restaurant, you should be responsible enough to make it the best. So just do it. Jamaica is blessed with an incredible cuisine; let's get our restaurants up to par. Do it now.
"Do not give up hope or yield to despair because of that which is past, for to bewail the irretrievable is the worst of human frailties."
- Second Treasury of Kahlil Gibran
