Ivret WilliamsDear Counsellor:
I have read your column almost every Sunday and your advice really helped me. My problem is that I have been dating this guy from 2002 and now we live together for almost a year now but for the last couple of months our relationship is getting very stressful. We have been having a lot of arguments for the simplest things. We do love each other, but these frequent arguments have put a strain on our relationship, a set back for the both of us. For example, we were planning on getting married before the end of the year but these obstacles have slowed down the processing. He will not let go of the past issues that occurred in the relationship, and every time we argue it is the same past issues coming up. What should I do?
Karen
Dear Karen:
As individuals get to know each other and in the process of bonding there will be conflict. The differences in personalities, values, goals, attitudes to life and the differences in socialisation all add up to conflict. This makes conflict inevitable. However, if these conflicts are not resolved amicably there will be a constant strain on the relationship. Unfortunately, many persons think that because they are having a conflict there is something wrong with their relationship. If the quarrel has been over the same thing then it is obvious that the issue is not being dealt with properly. If you are both serious about this relationship then both of you should sit down and chart your conflicts. If you had a quarrel on Monday, what was it about? And go down the week like that. If the quarrel has been over the same thing then it is obvious that that issue is not being dealt with properly. Also, look at the way you try to resolve your conflicts. If you shout at each other until one gets tired then the conflict is unresolved and will resurface.
You also mention that your spouse will not let go of the past issues that occurred in the relationship. This is harmful to any relationship as this represents unforgiveness which will lead to bitterness and resentment. Many persons will keep rehashing the past as a way of control. They do not want you to ever forget what you have done to them. Usually, these persons are never mindful of the things they have done to you and even if you should remind them, they will somehow find a way of blaming you for their behaviour. Have you ever thought that you may be more interested in this wedding than he is and as such he may be doing things to delay the event? I think you should confront the problem head on and ask him if he is serious about the wedding. Let me remind you that even in marriage you will have conflicts. So if you both of you are waiting to see if you can live without 'teeth and tongue meeting' you are living in a dream world.
It can't be 'that time of the month'
Dear Counsellor:
I am having a problem with my wife. She has become quite unresponsive to my attempts at showing her affection. There were times when I would put it down to 'that time of the month', but for heaven's sake, it could not be so many times for the month. I feel so frustrated. Help!
Jerry
Dear Jerry:
A woman may be unresponsive if she feels that her husband does not care about her e.g., if he does not help around the house or help her with the children. She may also be unresponsive if she is carrying unresolved anger. If you have had a conflict and you try to stifle it by initiating intimacy, the woman can become unresponsive. If she feels that her voice is not being heard and her opinions do not matter then she will not respond to your shows of affection. Some women will be unresponsive as a way to control. If this unresponsive behaviour is not the norm, sit with her and talk about it. If she is hurting you cannot cover it with a coat of affection. Her pain must be dealt with to free her to respond to you.
Email Ivret Williams at letstalkrelationships@yahoo.com.
