Sidney McGill
(Response to reader's query)
READER: I found your article, 'Thin line between lust and love', very informative, but for the fact that you did not mention how to recover from romantic love. How do I get the serotonin and dopamine hormone levels back to normal?
Dear Reader:
Thank you for your compliments. The decision to get out of a rocky romantic love affair is difficult because it is hurtful to stay and sometimes more traumatic to leave. After four years in a romantic relationship there is a gradual switch from lust (where there is a high level of dopamine and lower levels of serotonin) to compassionate love (where there is higher levels of oxytocin), indifference and tolerance or hate (a potpourri of various combination of hormones at various levels would be present depending on the emotional state of the partners).
During the passionate phase of the relationship, the testosterone level in the woman (hormone that increases sex drive) increases but decreases in the man. His testosterone level increases during the compassionate love phase and, without moral restraint, he might give in to sexual temptation. But getting out of a bad relationship is really more complicated than just adjusting hormone levels.
TRY THERAPY
If you have recently left the relationship because of ongoing emotional or physical abuse or recurring unfaithfulness (though sexual intercourse might still be satisfying for the male), it is normal to grieve the loss of the relationship, which had many pleasant memories.
Write down the answers to the following questions and then decide what next to do.
1 - Chart your most common feelings over the life of the relationship. When did they become negative? What happened? How did you deal with the behaviour? What are the most recurring feelings that you are currently experiencing?
2 - Is there anything that you could have done differently that would have changed the course of the relationship?
3 - What if she had all the qualities you desired but you were not in love with her, would you stay?
4 - Do you love her? What are the important things you dislike about her?
5 - Did the relationship facilitate your personal growth and development?
Take a few days to review your answers and refine them as the days go by. If there is anger, you may have to see a counsellor to deal with your anger before making a final decision. And if you feel out of control you should see a health professional to get tested for obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD).
Make your final decision, whether to leave, depending on your answers. If you feel you should stay out of the relationship, expect to continue your period of withdrawal and grieving - it is normal. You will need the support of a neutral someone who understands. Your lover's friends or relatives may not be the best ones to help you through this period. What you do with your leisure and alone time is critical.
If you find yourself obsessing about the hurts, deliberately focus on your preferred future and ask God to sustain you. Resist the temptation to be alone. Get involve in community service to distract yourself from your own sadness. Your emotional healing is nearer than you think.
Dr. Sidney McGill is a marriage and family therapist and executive director, Family Counselling Centre of Jamaica, St. Ann; email: yourhealth@gleanerjm.com.
