Ivret Williams
Dear Counsellor:I am in a relationship and I feel as if it is stagnant. It is as if he doesn't love me although he says so. He says I am too emotional, too demanding. We hardly go anywhere. I am a university student and I do not know if I am comparing him with guys I know. He hardly buys me anything and says that he expects me to leave him for a UWI guy. I, unfortunately, said one day while we were talking that I wanted a career man and because he likes what he does, he does not intend to leave it (he is a woodworker, makes furniture and so on). I apologised for it because it sounded as if I did not want him and I really do love him. Maybe I am intimidating him. Sometimes, I feel as if it is all about sex. We never do anything but that when we see each. I feel as if he just loves me for convenience. I feel used most of the time and cry all the time.
Samantha
Dear Samantha:
There are several areas of concern with respect to your letter. Let us look for a moment at your areas of concern. 1.You feel the relationship is stagnant. Is it stagnant because it is going nowhere fast or is it stagnant because it is not going in the direction that you want it to go? 2. He hardly buys you anything. Is it your expectation that when you are in a relationship the man is to buy you things? I find it interesting that in this 21st century when women are calling for equal rights and justice, is it a woman's right to expect gifts from the man she is dating or is it simply a privilege? Oh by the way, have you bought him anything?
In looking at his areas of concern 1. He says you are too emotional, too demanding. Men do not like to be controlled, nor do they like 'cry babies'. Women we know, are emotional creatures, but do you get demanding when the relationship is not going your way and then play the 'emotional card'? 2. You told him that you wanted a career man and even when you have apologised, that is cemented somewhere in him. I can imagine that his friends might have taunted him saying that his 'university' girlfriend does not want him and is simply using him, only to hear it coming from your mouth. 3. You mentioned that he likes what he is doing and has no intention of changing. Have you at any time asked or insinuated that he should consider a career change? If so, he may feel that you are embarrassed with his choice of work.
I too have areas of concern. 1. Why do you remain in a relationship in which you feel used? The experience is unhealthy and demoralising. 2. You say that you may be comparing him to other guys but could you also be comparing your relationship to others? Please be reminded that every relationship comes with its own dynamics. It is unfair to compare your relationship with another because personalities and situations differ. 3. Your relationship could have reached a plateau where sex is the only thing that is keeping it going. Unfortunately, when sex becomes the only redeeming feature in a relationship, the relationship has hit a snag and it becomes much harder to 'dictate terms and conditions' and chart a new path. 4. Do you really want a woodworker or are you simply passing the time with him until the career man comes along?
Please be honest with yourself and the young man.
Abuse from
a man's
perspective
Dear Counsellor:
I read in The Gleaner recently where someone wrote to you about men who go through abusive relationships with their spouses/partners.
You mentioned that you had written an article entitled 'When the cat became a tiger' abuse from a man's perspective. I haven't personally been in this predicament, but out of interest I wanted to read this article.
- Mr. Smith (London)
Dear Mr. Smith:
Many thanks for your letter. This article and others under the caption, 'Let's talk relationships' can be seen on The Gleaner's website; www.jamaica-gleaner.com.
Good luck in your search.
Email Ivret Williams at:
letstalkrelationships@yahoo.com
