Ivret Williams, ContributorWHO IS the leader in your home? Who is in charge? The man is considered to be the head of the house, but being the head, does that make him a leader? You may take me to task on this, but would you not agree with me that some men do not know the first letter in the word 'leader'? He does not have a clue what it means to lead. If you are a man what type of a leader are you? Do you have the competencies to be considered a good leader?
The leader in the home must first acknowledge the fact that two persons can produce more than one. Your spouse is your ally, not your adversary (at least for some). Therefore, your most important role as a leader is to make full use of your resources. Your partner will be more motivated and will be a better help-mate if you show faith in her and let her share in the decision-making process. Are you the type of leader who turns down or ignores any and every information that does not agree with your philosophy? Are you the standard by which all ideas should be judged?
Be open to new ideas while studying them carefully, not negatively. Do not start off by saying that this idea will not work. Ask yourself if this idea makes sense and if it will help the family in attaining its goals. The leader who does not listen but imposes his opinions on his spouse and family is implying that he has all the answers.
MISUNDERSTANDINGS
Some also have the tendency to underestimate the ability of their spouse and overestimate their own ability (I apologise for stepping on your toe). Then there are others who are unwilling to make a decision or will delay making a decision and will 'huff and puff and blow the house down' if the wife decides to make a decision. It must be remembered that every leader will make bad decisions now and then. However, it is much worse for the family when the leader makes no decision at all. And what about those selfish demands?
Demands carry a threat of punishment. People who make demands don't seem to care how others feel. They think only of their own needs. The issuing of a demand is indicative of the abuse of power. In a marriage there should be shared power. As a leader, it is better to persuade than demand; persons will rebel when there is a demand.
As the leader in the home do you praise family members immediately when they do something well? The praise should be done especially in front of others. When it is time to criticise, find a private place and do so quietly. And remember, before you criticise, find at least four things to compliment the individual for, before giving one criticism.
Remember the song, 'a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down'. And what about courtesy? Are you too big to say, 'thank you' and 'please'? Remember your children are in the game 'follow the leader.
COURTESY
I always find it fascinating that a man will be more courteous to friends and neighbours than to his spouse and his children. In the home, as the bank slogan said years ago, 'courtesy costs nothing, give generously'. Need I remind you that you will catch more flies with sugar than with vinegar?
In my deliberations I forgot that there are some women who are great leaders in the nuclear family structure. Sister, how did you get that position? Did you wrest it from the hands of the captain because the ship was heading for the rocks and he had no idea how to turn it around and would not let go?
Or was there simply an abdication? Of course many may argue that every man is a born leader, but does that make every man a good leader? If in your home nobody is listening to you or following you, are you the head or simply a 'figurehead'?
Ivret Williams is a counselling psychologist. Send enquiries and comments to letstalkrelationships@yahoo.com. Check the Saturday Gleaner for the answers that Ivret Williams has for the questions you ask about your relationships.
