Dear Counsellor:I have been married for the past eight months and right now I am feeling very angry. I only knew my husband for five months before we got married. At the time we were courting he said he only had one child. Although I had always vowed that I did not want a man with children, he persuaded me to accept his.
I had seen too many conflicts with wives and baby mothers and I wanted nothing to do with that. Three weeks ago I found out that he has two other children. When I confronted him about it he said that he did not know how to tell me because if he had told me about them maybe I would not have been interested in him.
To be honest with you I would not have entered a relationship with him because I would not want to be involved with a man who has three children. The relationship has been rocky ever since and I am confused right now. He has been dishonest to me and I do not know how to deal with this.
Ophia
Dear Sophia:
There are many things that I could say concerning what happened but that wo33uld not ease your pain. Right now you are confused, angry and hurting. Unfortunately there are others, women and men who share your experience. After they got married they found out they were lied to with respect to children.
I will not berate you for not taking time to get to know more about this gentleman. Maybe he saw you as a precious gem and in the course of your discussions you mentioned that you did not want a man with children so he felt the need not to disclose his status.
Anyway, that is water under the bridge. Let us look at your situation. You are already married. Marriage is a commitment for better or for worse. Right now it is important to find out from your husband what else he may be hiding from you. Tell him your innermost feelings and how this deception has affected you. I must add that it will also affect your relationship because whereas in the past you believed everything he said, now you may take everything he says 'with a pinch of salt'.
This will be very disconcerting as you will be always wondering what is the truth and what is a lie. This situation will also make you suspicious of him and may even make you feel insecure about the relationship. He will have to work so much harder to regain your trust. Having said all that, if you intend to stay in this marriage, these children are now a part of your life.
Talk to him about the children and if possible get to meet them. Do not hate them or despise them. This is the time to find out what he expects from you. It may mean that he would like his children to spend some time with him at the matrimonial home. Right now that may be hard for you to handle.
However, sit with him and let him know how much his deception is hurting you. Do not hide your feelings and do not allow him to gloss over it. However, do not spend the rest of your life at this 'station'. Salvage what you can of the relationship and move on. Remember that behind every cloud there is a silver lining.
My unfaithful husband makes me depressed
Dear Counsellor:
My husband was unfaithful in our relationship about three years ago. I was informed of this six months ago. I have tried to get past it but it makes me depressed and although I told him that I have forgiven him yet I get angry easily and there are times when I do not want him to touch me. It is making my life miserable and I do not know what to do. I still love me but cannot seem to get past this hurdle.
Angella
Dear Angella:
This infidelity created an imbalance in your relationship. Some persons are able to forgive and move on but for others this can be a difficult
hurdle.
After a while you may find that you are getting bitter and resentful towards your spouse. Your level of trust is affected so for the sake of your mental health and marriage I would advise that you seek professional counselling as soon as
possible.
Email Ivret Williams at
letstalkrelationships@yahoo.com.
