Sidney McGill
MOTHERS HAVE been stabilising agents in nation building since slave ships, packed with black human cargo, began docking on our shores some 500 years ago.
Mothers head homes and eke out a living for their children in the harsh reality of disconnection and dislocation of their 'baby fathers'. The scenario worsens when men become fathers of several families without the income or opportunity to properly mind one child. That is our cultural reality. How then can mothers improve their parenting skills to produce sons with better self-esteem and moral fortitude?
AVOID PREMATURE SEPARATION
Our society believes that a boy must achieve 'masculine autonomy' by not being a girl. Masculine autonomy begins with the withdrawal from the maternal world of warm, tender feelings. This kind of psychological separation, often initiated once the boy is sent to daycare or kindergarten, may be all right if a healthy, caring father figure is present, but in most cases this is not the reality.
If your baby boy is very clingy, he might not be ready to leave home just yet. I believe the profound anxiety that develops with some baby boys may be linked to future anxiety performance problems such as rapid ejaculation, and generally anxious nature of some young men.
CREATING MALE MODELS
Many Jamaican mothers complain of not having a man in their lives who can give their sons some guidance, especially during the peri-pubertal period (nine to 13 years). The next best thing is to buy the sons books at their reading level which give interesting accounts of Jamaican heroes such as Marcus Garvey and Sam Sharpe. Simple but interesting biographies of men who have succeeded against all odds should also be included in their diet of motivational books. In the mean time, look at the positive side of your relationship with his father. There must be one good thing about his father that you would like him to emulate.
BUILDING HIS IDENTITY AND SEXUALITY
Help to affirm his identity by regularly reciting a history of his family background. Take him to meet his paternal relatives and only allow him to spend holidays there when you are satisfied that the negative influence in the environment is tolerable. In your role as discipliner, make a conscious effort to separate his behaviour from who he is - correct the behaviour, but do not injure him emotionally. In other words, never call him names, but instead talk about the behaviour and how it makes you feel.
To be a good discipliner, you will need to learn self-control during anxious moments. Try as far as possible not to scold him when you are angry. Calm down first, and find creative ways of correcting him. Over the years, he has learnt how to cope with your style of reactivity, change the way you react to him in order to force him to think more about improving his performance at home and school. You will, of course, have to be vigilant about the people he 'hangs out' with since fatherless boys (or boys with poor father figures) tend to over identify with their male peers.
Any friends of his should be friends of yours. So regularly invite his friends to your home so that you have a first-hand knowledge of their character. The important thing about building his sense of value is to spend more fun times with him in order to bring balance to the times of discipline. Parenting is never an easy role but do have a long-term goal to help him become the best husband that any woman could have.
Dr. Sidney McGill is a marriage and family therapist and executive director, Family Counselling Centre of Jamaica, St. Ann; email: yourhealth@gleanerjm.com.
