EULALEE THOMPSON
We cannot pretend that this is an easy question to answer. And, from the outset, we should not stereotype women; not all women stay. Many women, from all walks of life, do leave and are leading beautiful, fulfilling lives.
We cannot be judgmental either; we have to believe that individuals, even those in the bowels of a terrific interpersonal trauma, have a remarkable ability to be lucid, to weigh their alternatives and to arrive at decisions appropriate to their situation. Sometimes, their decision is to stay. In some of those cases, the most important role of counselling and therapy is to empower the woman and make her feel that she has 'the permission' to carry out the decision which she instinctively feels is right for her.
STAYING FACTORS
However, women give all kinds of reasons for staying - because of the children, he's really nice when he's nice, for financial support, status, lack of job skills, shame, isolation, don't believe in divorce, fear of more violence, I want to make my relationship/marriage work and so on. Are these adequate reasons to withstand emotional and physical abuse? These reasons may only be 'fronts', ego defence mechanisms, against threatening feelings and emotions. There may be deeper reasons:
1. Deeper unconscious issues at play. She may be unconsciously trying to resolve in the present, childhood issues with the men in her past
2. Struggling with self-esteem issues. These are issues surrounding how she values herself, self-worth, confidence and satisfaction with self. Does she feel that she is deserving of happiness and success in life or perhaps she learnt while growing up that she doesn't deserve to be loved and to be happy and that suffering is just her lot in life.
3. As mentioned before, the woman who stays, may be logical and rational, looks at the cold, hard facts (board, lodging, food, clothing, the children, status and so on), do a cost-benefit analysis and finds that staying is the most cost-effective decision.
Please send your feedback to eulalee.thompson@gleanerjm.com.
