Sidney McGill
RAISING GIRLS to be good mothers and wives is quite a tricky thing if you do not have a good man in the house. On the bright side, daughters learn home economics from their mothers. Mothers teach what they know: how to cook, clean, wash, spread beds and personal hygiene. But mothers' obsession with a good education for her daughters seem even more important than homemaking skills.
Every mentally healthy Jamaican woman wants her daughter to be resistant to the capricious behaviour of men. Economic stability becomes a mission in life for most girls across all social classes from the time they leave their family of origin as young adults to when they become grandmothers.
WHEN THERE'S NO FATHER
But the darker side gets passed on as well in almost the same way as we pass on a cold virus. Negative attitudes about men are passed on by mothers like a bout of uncontrollable sneezing that infects and powerfully controls children's future romantic relationships. Mothers' fear and distrust of men, mixed in with anger, hurt and resentment, plus a dash of desire for a man in her life, are passed on to their daughters.
Violence in the news media and the community helps mothers to generalise that men are irresponsible and out of control. Albeit that boys are being marginalised, women are largely the victims of that marginalisation through sexual, physical and emotional abuse by these marginalised men.
The mothers' indoctrination is a never-ending cycle that is transmitted through generations. Girls begin to develop a complicated yet efficient system for relating and negotiating with her male friends and later her husband. She is warned not to have sex for fear of getting pregnant or contracting HIV/AIDS and other sexually transmitted infections but her sexual desire defies her wisdom to flee the tyranny of men's lust.
GIRLS NEED GOOD FATHERS
Society, too, increases the pressure on girls to become mothers and wives before they reach 30 years old. Girls are expected to fit into a feminine mould. Such a mould restricts girls from expressing a range of natural personality traits and behaviours. Attitudes such as curiosity, assertiveness, initiative, and behaviours such as climbing trees and rowdy behaviour are squelched by most mothers. Mothers reinforce socially-approved activities for girls including dancing, music, tennis and other gentle activities. A general passivity toward men, while avoiding much of their sexual advances, is inadvertently passed on as well.
A good father, on the other hand provides approval and balance for his daughter. He is the love of her life and he respects her because he treats her as the most special girl in the world (apart from her mother). She learns that it is okay to experience life outside of the mould, at least until she reaches puberty. She learns how to manage extreme emotions because he plays with her sometimes to the point of a frenzy. She feels protected because his very presence exudes authority, and social and emotional stability. He teaches (with the support of his wife) the purpose of his family's existence and the rules that all must abide by. His daughter learns how a man is to treat a woman and how a woman is to treat a man by the live examples that her parents demonstrate on a daily basis in the home.
Men are naturally cautious about their daughter's sexuality because they want their girls to remain sexually pure before marriage. For them, as Douglas Wilson in Her Hand in Marriage states: "virginity (is) a priceless inheritance for the young woman to bring into the marriage". And as such "the father is responsible for the sexual purity of his daughter!"
Dr. Sidney McGill is a marriage and family therapist and executive director, Family Counselling Centre of Jamaica, St. Ann; email: yourhealth@gleanerjm.com.
