Ivret Williams
Dear Counsellor:
I have been in a relationship for the past five years and right now I feel like moving on. The reason being is that I can never please my girlfriend. It is like I can never do anything good enough. We have a child together and I take care of them both. However, whatever I try to do to make her happy, she will always find something wrong with it. It is as if it is never good enough. It has reached the point where I no longer feel that I can be bothered. It is interesting that she keeps talking about marriage and at first I thought about marrying her but with each succeeding day, the desire gets less. When she speaks it is like it goes through one ear and comes through the other.
Conrad
Dear Conrad:
There are persons who have a perfectionist attitude towards life. Everything for them must be just right. I have nothing against the desire for perfection but when it becomes an obsession, then it is abnormal. One should always strive for excellence, but in one's pursuit, there must be the understanding that we are fallible. When you live with someone who is a perfectionist, life can be unbearable as many times the person is not looking for the good in a task but looking to find what is wrong. An individual may be a perfectionist because he or she was brought up by parents who were also perfectionists. Another factor is that the person may have low self-esteem and as such, the person in order to feel good about themselves, will try to discredit who you are and what you do.
A sprit of ingratitude can destroy any relationship. If someone has done something for you, it is important for you to show gratitude. It may not be the way you want, but the fact that the person extended themselves, there should be a measure of thanks. Many persons believe they can change their spouse by being constantly critical. I would advise that you sit with her and talk about how you are feeling and how her critical ways are affecting the relationship.
He's not caring
Dear Counsellor:
I have been reading your columns in the Saturday and Sunday Gleaner and I find them very interesting. The more I read the more I am forced to take a good look at my relationship. I would like your opinion on my relationship. I have been in a relationship for the past two and a half years and I have a sneaky feeling that it is unhealthy. My reason for saying this is that I am always doing things for him and it is only when I quarrel and make a fuss that he will reciprocate. Whenever he is ill, I will fuss over him and ensure that he is all right, but whenever I am ill, he is not there for me. I will always remember his birthday but if he buys me a gift it is after I keep reminding him over and over again. And even when he does buy me something it is 'some foolishness'. He always claims that he does not have any money. I must confess that this happens all the time and when I enter a new relationship and I tell myself that I am not going to be like that I always resort to the same behaviour. Is it wrong to show love to the one you love and who determines what is too much.
Sophia
Dear Sophia:
How does it make you feel to be at home sick and he knows, yet he has turned off his cellphone? Do you get angry whenever you open a birthday gift and after quickly calculating its cost you realise that it does not measure up to even half the price of the gift you gave him? It is not wrong to show love to the one you love, it gives one a sense of fulfilment. However, if you are in a relationship and the quality you give is of the 'finest silk' and the quality you receive is 'calico' in kind, this will make you feel that the person does not see you as a person who deserves quality. In a relationship there should be equality.
Spending time with you when you are sick is an intangible gift that money cannot buy. If you are the one always doing things then it is as if you are more thankful for the relationship than the other person. So I ask the question, are you doing all that and more as a way of saying thanks to the person for being in a relationship with you? What is it about your relationship that is giving you the sneaky feeling that it may be unhealthy? Maybe now is the time to pull back and reassess the situation and ask yourself the following questions. Why did I enter a relationship at this time? Why did I enter this relationship? What needs were there that needed to be met? Is this relationship meeting these needs? If two persons are in a relationship then both should be thankful for the other because they bring new life and joy to each other. If you do not feel joyful in your relationship then you should rethink the relationship.
