Ivret Williams
Dear Counsellor:
I have a problem with my husband. We have been married for four years. Two years ago we had a conflict and he hit me. To be honest, he had never hit me before and has never done it since. He apologised, but somehow I cannot forget the incident and sometimes when I see a situation that may turn into a conflict I do everything to avoid it. I am not sure he will hit me again, but there are times when he does things that I am not pleased with and I simply ignore it for fear that a conflict will result. To be honest, I do not think I have forgiven him for what happened. How can I forgive and move on because it is affecting me in some subtle ways?
Andrea
Dear Andrea:
As individuals there will always be conflicts. Your life will be very uncomfortable as you will keep 'swallowing' distasteful things for fear that a conflict will escalate. This will not be good for either you or your relationship. It must be remembered that we grow when a conflict is resolved amicably. You are having a difficult time forgiving your husband. Unforgiveness is defined as an ongoing situation of the heart and your fear of being hurt again may prevent you from forgiving. This fear may also prevent you from giving all to your relationship by inhibiting the way you respond to him sexually and emotionally.
You may also become defensive as a way of protecting self. The problem here is although you may become defensive, you may not voice your disagreements about things that are bothering you, resulting in you developing a sulky attitude towards him. This may lead to depression. Ungratefulness may creep in as you find no happiness in the things he does to please you. He may go out of his way to do things for you, but it may mean nothing to you.
How can you forgive and move on? Although he might have said that he was sorry, you might have felt that he has not been remorseful enough. So even though you accepted his
apology, you have not released him from your heart. You first need to accept the fact that you are still hurting. If you are hurting and pretend not to be hurting, the hurt will surface in subtle ways. Do a careful introspection to find out what aspect of the situation is still causing pain. Is this hurt similar to a previous hurt? Was it the pain experienced with the hit or was it that you felt disrespected? Was there anyone there who witnessed what happened? Then you must decide to forgive him.
Forgiveness is not an automatic action; it is a decision that you make. You must then tell him that you are still hurting from the incident. In telling him that you are hurt, tell him what aspect of the situation is causing you pain.
Finally you must let it go. Tell him you have forgiven him and mean it. The hurt may not go away immediately but you have started on the road to healing. Thoughts may resurface, but each time they do, remind yourself that you have forgiven him. And act that way.
Liar, liar ...
he's a liar
Dear Counsellor:
I have been seeing this guy for the past six months and I recently found out that most of the things he has told me is a lie. I confronted him and he acknowledged that he had lied. He said that he was not sure whether I would have wanted him, based on the fact that I was in a better position than he was. He has asked me to forgive me and to let us start over again. What should I do?
Faithlyn
Dear Faithlyn:
Some couples in the early stage of dating will wear masks for emotional protection. During this time persons will try their best to impress each other and the mask is used to impress. Some persons will unveil the mask quicker than others. The unveiling of the mask will be determined by how important the other person is, whether the individual wants the other person to know the 'real' you.
Unfortunately some persons have worn a mask for so long that there is confusion with the real self and the false self (the mask). Congratulations on removing that mask as no relationship can be built on it. For there to be genuine intimacy in any relationship, the mask must be removed. This begs the question, is what you are seeing the real person or another mask? My advice, do not rush the relationship as time will reveal most if not all things.
Email Evret Williams at letstalkrelationships@yahoo.com.
