Dear Counsellor:

I HAVE a problem with my wife. We are having constant quarrels and everything I do is a bother to her. We have been married for the past two years and it began about six months after we got married.

At first I could not understand what was happening; it was a bit confusing and I shared it with a friend of mine. He is much older and he said I should evaluate the things we quarrel about. I realised that we are constantly quarrelling because she wants to tell me what to do. It is almost as if she would like to make me over. At first I went along for the ride but I realised that it is almost as if she is making me into a new person for her liking. I am not saying that I do not have faults, but she does as well and I accept her imperfections and all but I get angry when she magnifies my faults in an effort to make me the person she wants me to be. I do not believe in divorce, but right now life is very frustrating.

- Richard

Dear Richard:

MANY COUPLES enter marriage quite aware of some irritating faults in their partners yet vowing to accept the person for better or for worse. However, they had an ulterior motive. This motive was to change the other person. Of course the other person is unaware of these premeditated goals, but after a while the strategies employed make the relationship frustrating for all the parties concerned. The person trying to implement the change may become pre-occupied with the other's shortcomings and use every trick in the book to bring about changes. The person may eventually become disappointed when he or she realises that the changes desired are not forthcoming and will distance themselves from their partners physically, emotionally and even sexually. The other party may become bitter and stubborn and resist any and every effort to change.

Richard, I guess you may be feeling disappointed at this time. However, I would advice you in your solitary moments to take a long, good look at yourself and see if you could facilitate some of the changes. During your courtship you might have presented an image than changed after you got married. So she might be disappointed and is desirous of reclaiming the man she knew before she got married. I am not agreeing with her to try and change you (if that is what she is trying to do).

However, we all have a blind spot which makes us do things that are irritating to others. She may be trying to be your helpmate but is going about it the wrong way. In a peaceful moment sit with her and ask her to make a list of the things about you that she likes and the things that she does not like and why. You could do the same exercise. And for the sake of the relationship you could see how you could both work towards pleasing each other. It would be good to heed the words of Robert Louis Stevenson, 'make the most of the best and the least of the worst'.

Dear Counsellor:

I HAVE been in a relationship for the past eight years and right now I have no desire for sex. It started about two years ago and it has gotten progressively worse. It has affected my relationship and I do not know what to do about it. I need your help.

- Simone

Dear Simone:

I WOULD advice that you see your family doctor to see if there are hormonal changes that could be affecting your sexual desire. You could also see a counsellor as there may be unresolved issues that are impacting on your sexual life. You could be harbouring bitterness and resentment against your spouse as a result of issues from the past. This can cause you to lose your desire for sex. I would advice that you deal with this as early as possible because men love sex.