Ivret Williams
You are hurting and it seems as if your spouse does not care. Although your friends and family have told you to forgive, you have hardened your heart and vowed that this is the last straw.
To add insult to injury you went to church and the Minister preached on forgiveness. The mercury in your thermometer rose whenever he looked at you. He kept telling you to forgive, but let us face it, forgiveness is one of those topics in which one is 'fluent in theory' but 'dumbfounded in practical'. It is easier said than done.
You forgive a spouse for burning the dinner but how can you forgive someone for giving you a sexually transmitted disease? You forgive him for not taking out the garbage, but how could you consider forgiving him for being unfaithful on so many occasions and then blaming you for his acts of infidelity? How can you forgive him for bringing home an outside child who was born five years after you were married?
FLAGRANT DISREGARD
How do you forgive a woman who continuously shows flagrant disregard for the money you have worked so hard for? Would you not agree that an alcoholic spouse who comes in drunk and traumatises the family must be considered one of those things that are unforgivable?
What about the family whose house is put up for auction because of the gambling ways of the spouse?
Many times we find it hard to forgive because the offender has not asked for forgiveness. I found the statement, 'love means never having to say you're sorry' quite surreal. Is it not justifiable that if someone has hurt you that the person says 'I am sorry?'
But many spouses do not. They wait for a certain length of time to pass and then they act as if nothing had happened. Others will buy jewellery or send flowers as a make-up gift. Unfortunately these 'acts of kindness' do not right the wrong. Others do not forgive because the offender keeps repeating the offence and this is like rubbing salt in a wound. Others do not forgive because it is felt that the offender has not been punished enough or they have not been compensated enough. When someone has offended us, we expect retribution; justice must be served. To accept an 'I am sorry' may not seem enough for some. Others cannot forgive because they have not forgiven themselves for things they have done in the past. As a result they find it hard to forgive others. And let us not forget those persons who do not know how to forgive.
Where unforgiveness is present in your relationship it will have a negative effect on the way you relate to each other. It fuels anger and breeds hostility and resentment. It unearths every offence from the past, strangling present peace and harmony and jeopardises future communication. It results in sexual dysfunction as many women become frigid as they lose their sex drive and men are forced to deal with impotence.
One party may act as if everything is alright but one misstep proves that the hurt associated with the offence is still present. This will result in a spouse getting angry on the spur of the moment for no apparent reason. This is a clear indication that something is 'simmering' that has not been dealt with and forgiven. It is ironic that you might have talked about it and walked away feeling that all was well, but the offended party is still grieving and this residual grief is influencing the person's ability to forgive.
Is it easy to forgive? No, it is a decision that we make. It is an act of will. And this action can be done regardless of the offender or the offence. Forgiveness does not occur when the offender asks for forgiveness but when the offended party chooses to pardon the offender. This fact is very important, because the offender may never ask for forgiveness. It may not be considered 'macho' to say you are sorry, but in a civilised society, you offend someone and you know the person is hurt as a result of your action, therefore, you ask for forgiveness.
IMPORTANCE
Why is it important to forgive? At some point in our lives we will make mistakes and hurt someone. This may be intentional or unintentional. We too will desire to be forgiven. The person who harbours unforgiveness is burning the deed to their right for forgiveness. It is important to remember that forgiveness does not remove the memory, neither does it initially remove the pain, but with each passing day the power of the pain is lessened.
Every relationship needs an abundance of forgiveness. This is necessary because every relationship will experience offence of one sort or another. We may promise never to hurt or offend the one we love, but that is easier said than done. There is no magic formula that will prevent you from offending your spouse or your spouse from offending you. However what makes one marriage last for 37 years and another one year, is not only the amount of love they have for each other, but also how willing they are to forgive.
Ivret Williams is a counselling psychologist. Send enquiries and comments to letstalk relationships@yahoo.com. Check the Saturday Gleaner for the responses Ivret Williams has for the questions you ask about your relationships.
