Sidney McGill
WHEN WAS the last time that you saw an attractive woman who on second glance turned out to be a man in braids, lip gloss, knob earrings, shaved eyebrows, tight-fitting pants and sandals revealing pedicured nails? Just a while ago? So what did you say to yourself? Maybe disgruntled you muttered in passing, 'What is this world coming to?' or 'Him must be gay!' or just shuddered in silence.
PATERNAL DEFICITS?
From my intuitive and experiential perspective, a man or woman achieves a satisfying sense of masculinity or femininity in loving, committed relationships, primarily from parent-child relationships (as in father-son) and in healthy peer relationships. Their sense of identity, which is expressed in their self-esteem and self-image, is also determined by the positive or negative influences of the communities to which they belong. Boys who grow into men without healthy paternal influences, therefore, are like leaves in the wind that are easily blown about by every wind or fad. In their drive for masculine significance and acceptance, they over-identify with the 'herd'.
ERODED CULTURAL BOUNDARIES
The cultural boundaries for male-female distinctiveness have eroded over the years because of lack of a unified Jamaican society on moral matters and the gullible attitude toward anything First World, and the denigration of things Jamaican.
Kevin O'Brien Chang's article on 'licensing the Jamaican man's penis' puts the axe at the root of the problem - fathers' absences from our homes are responsible for many societal ills. The identity problems, which are expressed in extreme dress codes, irresponsible fathering, poor family structures, poor work ethics and high rates of crime and violence, are only a few of the consequences of the endemic father deficit in the island. The problem comes into clearer focus when Kevin points out that 'some men don't know even how many children they have 'sired', much less their names'.
Without a stable father image, Jamaican men have grown accustomed to judging their manhood by grading how far their mannerisms and dress codes are from women's. But is this current dress code for many young (and not so young) Jamaican men a revolt against the emotionally-challenged Jamaican male image? Since we cannot depend on the society to show us how to live, men and women must forge their own futures by developing their mission for being. God is a God of order and everything God creates and sustains, functions in a prescribed manner.
UNDERSTANDING YOUR TRUE PURPOSE
Larry Crabb in 'Men and Women: Enjoying the Difference' says it well: "A man is manly when he moves through life with a purposeful and confident involvement, when he follows a direction that he values for reasons that are bigger than himself. If that direction reflects the purpose of God, then his style of relating will not be self-consumed..."
I believe that the solution for male-female distinctiveness can be found when each person operates in his or her true purpose in life. To operate outside of your true purpose is to abuse oneself and those around you. Most young adults that I meet define their purpose as getting a good job, having a family and living comfortably. Many lack the guidance, economic support or the strength of mind, capable of winning over fear or desires in order to achieve their true purpose. Understanding your true purpose is finding opportunities to use your talents to benefit others. I find that God supplies all our needs when we are in this mode.
Dr. Sidney McGill is a marriage and family therapist and executive director, Family Counselling Centre of Jamaica, St. Ann; email: yourhealth@gleanerjm.com.
