Ivret WilliamsDear Counsellor:
I enjoyed your article in The Sunday Gleaner on 'the unforgiving spouse'. I am one year past a divorce, and I am just beginning to see the areas in which I haven't given forgiveness to my wife or myself. Thanks. - Dr. T. S. Pompano Beach, Fl.
Dear Dr. T. S.:
I am glad that the article was of help to you, but the thought crossed my mind however, (and this is something you could look at in your solitary moments), is that in your divorced state you now realise that you had not forgiven yourself on some issues.
Could it be that you were also unforgiving of self during your marriage and there were issues from your past that should have been laid to rest that might have impacted your marriage? Also how easy would it have been to grant forgiveness to your wife (even for minor offences) if you were unforgiving of self?
Persons can be very hard on self due to the way they were brought up and the expectations from their family of origin. It would be good at this time to ensure that emotional cleansing has taken place so that the next relationship will not be contaminated by any negative emotional residue.
Should I leave?
Dear Counsellor:
I am 22 years old. I met this man who is 40 years old. We have been dating for two years now. He lives with his daughter and her mom and he keeps telling me that their relationship had ended for a long time now and he is only assisting her to get on her feet. He hid the fact that they lived with him. He told me about (the situation) after we had been going out for one year. The problem is, should I leave him alone or do you think he will move out and get an apartment for himself?
I am concerned because I have not met his daughter. Do you think he is lying to me about the relationship and that he is living with the mother of the child? When I ask him when am I going to meet his child he says when the time is right. When I ask him about the mother of his child he does not want to talk about it. What can I do? Should I just end this relationship and move on? Do you think he is just trying to use me? I am anxiously awaiting your response. - Shellyann.
Dear Shellyann:
Apart from the child, there is obviously not only a physical bond but an emotional bond as well between your boyfriend and the mother of his child. Just to add, he is living with her. Whether or not they are having a sexual relationship, that is another matter. He says that they are living together because he is trying to help her to get back on her feet but, Shellyann, she does not have to be living with him for him to help her. If he is not interested in her he could do the same with her living outside the house. I would love to give him the benefit of the doubt, however when she walks around that house in her 'sexy' shorts and a very skimpy top, 'where river runs once, it can run again' and 'ole firestick easy fe ketch'. And let me add, if she is still interested in him, 'she will never get back on her feet'.
You are concerned that you have not met his child but that should be the least of your worries. He is not open to talk about the relationship which would imply that he is more interested in the relationship with his child's mother than he is with you. Could it be that he may be married and living with his family? Apart from what he has told you, there is nothing to suggest that they are not still in a relationship. Why should you believe him? He has already proven to be untrustworthy because it took him one year to disclose his living arrangements. If this is an innocent living arrangement then he should have had no problem to talk about it from day one. What else is he hiding?
Shellyann, you are young and can be easily influenced especially with a more mature man who more than likely has some economic power. There is this nagging thought that in your 'youthful innocence' you are being taken for a ride. From all appearances I could not say he is using you because you may both be using each other; one getting money and the other getting honey. If you are looking for a 'fling' then you could stay in this relationship being mindful of the fact that he may be sleeping with someone else. However, if you are looking for a relationship that is open and honest, then I think it would be better for you to look elsewhere.
Email Ivret Williams at letstalkrelationships@yahoo.com.
