Ivret Williams
Dear Counsellor:
You know what, I have really grown to like you. The advice you give is so down to earth and practical and I have learned so much; which of course, would have otherwise cost an arm and a leg, with the cost these days for private sessions.
I wrote to you once before, some time ago, but under an alias. I must say that today I am comfortable and feel free enough to be writing to you as the real me. This week a friend of mine was going through an ordeal in her relationship and in an attempt to comfort her I looked up an old diary I kept when I was going through my break-up two years ago and shared some things with her that I figured would be empowering. It dawned on me at that point that I had destroyed everything associated with my past relationship except that diary. I couldn't help but think that I had destroyed pictures/letters etc., of all the happy moments but have held on to the pain the diary.
After reading your letter this week and last week re the power of forgiveness, I realised, what I had always known, that while I might have forgiven my ex for the pain he caused or contributed to, to this point I have not really forgiven myself. I am not sure what I have not forgiven myself for; sometimes I feel like I should have foreseen it, other times I feel like I shouldn't have allowed it to cause so much pain; other times I am clueless. But there still remains a pervading, most times latent feeling that there might have been something I could have done to avoid or reduce the pain I went through.
My girlfriend's situation has brought back memories of my own state of confusion and I couldn't help but feel so 'powerful' when I compare myself then (and) her now with the me today. I have been
single since my break-up, for the most part because I am afraid to place myself in another situation which would God forbid, cause the pain I felt before.
- Simone.
Dear Simone:
Thanks for your kind comments. Congratulations. Many persons instead of using their experiences as stepping-stones, are stuck in a quagmire of despair and despondency. The good book says that in our trials God comforts us with a comfort that we can comfort others with the comfort that we were comforted with. You can empathise more when you have been there.
Simone, as long as we live we will experience pain. And because we have feet of clay we will make mistakes. However, the painful experiences from our past should not prevent us from reaching for the happiness that is ahead. In spite of your new found 'empowerment', please be careful that in order not to be hurt again, you shut out eligible suitors by being totally engrossed in self. This can be done by feigning emotional independence. Simone there is no guarantee that you will never be hurt again and right now it may not be easy for you to trust the world. I would advise that if you cannot open all the windows of your heart at one time, then over time you could open the windows, one pane at a time.
Husband doesn't want children
Dear Counsellor,
I have been married for three years, and my husband has just admitted that he doesn't want children. We didn't discuss this at any length before the marriage. But when I indicated that this was important to me, he didn't take a position on the issue. Now he is telling me that he has never had a desire to be a father. I am having a hard time trying to understand his position and feel betrayed by his lack of forthcoming before we got married. I don't believe in divorce, and really don't know how to compromise on this issue. So what do I do? Thanks for your help.
- Michelle.
Dear Michelle:
It must be a very sad and disappointing time for you. You were deceived by the idiom 'silence means consent'. Your husband's feelings could be born out of fears. If he is not open to talking about it then this will have serious repercussions on the union as the channels of communication will be cut off as you will not want to talk about issues that are important to him and he in turn will not listen to issues that are important to you. I could recommend that you see a counsellor but after the sessions are over he may agree to you having a child but when the child enters the home he or she may be subjected to rejection. He needs to have a change of heart. I would advice you to pray about the matter. A counsellor may help to change his head (the way he thinks) but only God can change the heart.
Ivret Williams is a counselling psychologist. Email her: letstalkrelationships@yahoo.com
