Tony Deyal
A TEACHER gave her class of seven-year-olds a lesson on the magnet and what it does. The next day in a written test, she included this question: "My full name has six letters. The first one is M. I pick up things. What am I?" When the test papers were turned in, the teacher was astonished to find that almost 50 per cent of the students answered the question with the word 'Mother'.
Caribbean people would not be surprised at the answer. Mothers here are magnets that do more than pick up things. They hold the family together. They are steel-willed and iron-fisted. The force is always with them. They are attracted to what is good for their families and repelled by anything that they deem discordant or destructive. Once in their grip, it is almost impossible to break free. Also, if you need a pin or a needle, they can find one immediately.
BLIND LOYALTY
It is difficult for non-Caribbean people to understand the fierce and sometimes blind loyalty that we feel towards our mothers. I remember a member of the Presentation Brothers, an Irish-Catholic teaching order, trying to figure out why we got so incensed when someone 'curse we mother'. When provided with the details of the incantation, he invariably said: "But that is not a curse. It is merely a crude description of the female anatomy, and while it refers to your mother, it does not seem to me to have any malignant consequences."
But what he did not understand is that the defamatory intent, the sacrilege, is what incites many Caribbean men to mayhem. Some of us have tried the retort, "Your mother has one too" but somehow it seems inadequate and is generally discarded in favour of a more physically satisfying response.
No Caribbean mother would condone violence for any reason, including defending her honour. That would be as strange as hearing her say without any hint of sarcasm, "Son, why you sitting so far away from the television? Go closer, in fact go as close as you wish. Don't believe all that nonsense about it will strain your eyes and you would go blind, or that foolishness about radiation and causing all your hair and stuff to drop out. Go right in front, just don't block your sister."
There are some other things you would never hear. "Yes, I used to break away from school a lot and 'lyme' with the girls in front of KFC"; or "Let me check out that shirt. It still not smelling too bad. You could wear it for at least another week;" or even "I know I said 10 o'clock is when you have to be home, but don't worry, this is not a prison. It would be all right if you come by 12:00 and bring the boy inside to rest for a while."
THINGS MOTHER TAUGHT
I was looking at a list of things that people said their mothers taught them. One I know very well is 'anticipation', as in "You just wait until your father comes home." Another is 'reception'. This is not like the story of the two antennas that decided to get married. The ceremony was mediocre but the reception was fantastic. No, this is about, "You just wait until we get home, then I will deal with your skin."
Then there is logic. Things like, "If the lawnmower cut off your toe, don't come running to me" and "If you go to the river and drown, don't expect me to take you to the supermarket with me." One of the traits included genetics. "You're just like your father." There is the cryptic, "When you get as old as me then you will understand." The one every child has experienced is: "Some day you will have children and I hope they turn out just like you so you will understand the nonsense I have to put up with. You will be sorry."
A few other people have tried variations on the maternal theme with different historical figures. What would Mona Lisa's mother have said? "After all that money your father and I spent on braces, Mona, that's the biggest smile you can give Leonardo for the expensive painting?" Humpty Dumpty's mother would say, "Humpty, if I told you once, I've told you a hundred times, 'Don't sit on the wall, Humpty, don't sit on the wall!' And what you do? Would you listen to me? Noooo!"
Christopher Columbus would not have it easy, "OK, so you went west to find east but you couldn't find the time to write to your own mother?" Michelangelo's mother, "I am tired with you. Why can't you paint on the wall like other children? You know how hard it is to clean a ceiling?" Napoleon's mother would be sure to upbraid him, "I don't care what you hiding inside that jacket, take out your hand from there!" The two I like are Bruce Wayne's mother: "Nice car, Bruce, but you realise how much the insurance will cost?" And Little Miss Muffet's: "What you better understand young lady is that if you continue to sit on your tuffet all day filling your face, you're going to have spiders up to your neck in no time flat."
HEART OF RELATIONSHIP
One story I like really gets to the heart of the mother-son relationship. Three rich men decided to give their ageing mother the Mother's Day
gift that she would always remember. One gave her a house. The other gave her
a Mercedes complete with chauffeur. The third, confident that his gift was the best, boasted to his brothers, "Well, her eyesight is failing and she loves her Bible so I'm giving her a parrot that can speak 18 languages and can recite the Bible word for word."
When the three went to their mother's new house for a catered lunch in her honour, she said to the first, "This house is so big that I only live in one room but I have to clean the whole house." She told the second, "I am too old to travel and the chauffeur is too rude." She then smiled at the third, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious." "Mom," he said, in shock, "that bird can speak 18 languages!" To which his mother responded, "So why didn't he say something?"
Tony Deyal was last seen talking about the mother who explained her grey hairs to her little daughter by saying, "Every time you do something bad one of my hairs goes grey." Her daughter replied, "How come all Grandma's hairs are grey?"
