DEAR COUNSELLOR:

I AM 22 years old and although I consider myself not to be an unattractive person, I find that I have a difficulty in maintaining a relationship. I will start a relationship and two months later it fizzles. What can I do?

- Jason

DEAR JASON:

It would be good for you to do a post-mortem on your past relationships. Be honest with yourself. Dissect the relationships from start to finish and see what attracted you to the person in the first stage and what could have caused it to end.Are you a kind and caring person? What about your listening skills? Do you listen to others or do you constantly talk about yourself? In a conversation with a friend, whether face to face or on the telephone, listen to yourself. Do you brag about your achievements? Persons can be turned off by the behaviour of a braggart. Are you attentive to personal hygiene? What about the way you look and dress? Don't be fooled by the idiom, 'love is blind'. Even if eventually we turn a blind eye to the faults of the other person in the initial stage, a relationship usually begins with a physical attraction.

Also get socially involved. This will enable you to meet new people. And read widely. A person who reads widely will be more conversant on a wider range of topics. Finally, with a close friend you could role play and practise what you could in these situations.

DEAR COUNSELLOR:

I HAVE been in a relationship for the past two years and in the past six months it is constantly going downhill. I have tried everything and nothing seems to work.

Whenever I ask my boyfriend if he still loves me he does not answer. If I threaten to move out he simply says that I can do whatever pleases me. We have a one-year-old daughter and he is not giving me the amount of money that he used to before. He is also staying out later than usual. I suspect that he has someone and when I ask him about it, he does not answer. What should I do?

- Annette

DEAR ANNETTE:

IT IS obvious that your partner is showing signs that he is losing interest in the relationship. Because a young child is in the picture, the decision to end may not be an easy one for him so he may be doing things to push you to end it. Also, he may be dissatisfied about something and instead of talking about it he may be contemplating ending the relationship. Persons will neglect their relationships and do things to jeopardise it if they are dissatisfied.

Gloria Bird and Keith Melville in their book, Families and Intimate Relationships (1994,) say that dissatisfied partners will refuse to discuss problems and treat their partners badly, emotionally and physically, when issues arise. These persons will neglect their relationships by ignoring their partners and spending less time with them because they want the relationship to deteriorate.

Annette, right now you may be hurting, confused and even angry about what is happening. You may also be having regrets about your situation. Find out from your partner what he would want for the relationship. If he is not interested in the relationship, he will continue to do things to destroy it. If he does not desire a relationship with you anymore then it may be best for you to move on with your life than endure the pain of living with a man who no longer cares for you. I wish for you all the very best.