Yvonnie Bailey- DavidsonDear Counsellor:
I have a son who is 15. Lately, he has started having behavioural problems. He gets into fights and stays away from school. He comes home late and refuses to do house chores. His father lives in England and communicates infrequently via the telephone. I am at my wits ends because of my son.
Marcia
Dear Marcia:
The onset of behavioural problems usually signals that something is going wrong with an individual. Adolescence is a period of turmoil for some teenagers. They want to be with their peers and copy whatever their friends do. Your son is at the stage where he tests the limits and boundaries that you have set as part of growing up. Teenagers are searching for an identity, for love and relationships.
Management of your son requires that you take him for an assessment. There are many reasons for a change in behaviour. The possibility of substance abuse has to be considered as smoking is an activity that many teenagers experiment with. It is easy to acquire ganja, cigarettes or cocaine. Many people get into drugs because they were either forced or tricked. Smoking is not good for anyone because it is associated with severe medical problems.
Your son may have lost a friend to the violence in the society. People cope with losses in various ways and sometimes a marked change in behaviour is a hallmark of grief. Acting out is another way in which they behave to cope with stress. Grieving is a painful process and it can take years for an individual to cope.
Another reason for bad behaviour is academic stress. School with its studies and examinations is a stress on the body and mind. An individual who is not organised or lacks self-discipline and focus has great difficulty with school work.
Boys need role models and father figures to maintain a sense of balance and to boost their self-esteem. His father needs to be more involved in his life. Many times church brothers or other male relatives can help to provide direction for teenagers.
Conflicts in
marriage
Dear Counsellor:
I have been married for two years and sometimes my husband and I have disagreements. It is really an adjustment to cope with another individual in such close quarters. I find that I get angry easily and whenever there is a quarrel I have to walk away to control my temper. Are there any tips on how to resolve conflicts?
Angela
Dear Angela:
You have been married for two years during which you have had to make changes in your life. In marriage, you have two strangers with different histories and backgrounds.
It is a feat to adjust to each other and work cooperatively to achieve the common good. In the honeymoon or courtship period, people are on their best behaviour and are very much taken up with each other.
Living together as a couple requires that the individuals plan their lives together. Both individuals need to assess their wants and needs. Each individual must discuss their expectations, goals and plans. When all is on the table then as a couple you can decide on how these things can be achieved.
People usually want children, a house and cars. They need to budget and save towards these goals. Family planning is a must as children are expensive to maintain. Conflict resolution is a skill that each individual needs. When people are aware of themselves and what makes them irritated then they are better able to negotiate and cooperate with each other.
In marriage you need to deal with problems as they arise but you also need to love and cherish each other. Affection and nurturing need to be in the relationship.
This will improve the bonds between the couple and be role models for the children of the union. A couple should be demonstrative of affection in many ways. There must be agreement between the couple to try and resolve their differences amicably and respectfully. The couple needs to celebrate their successes and enjoy the good times together.
Marriage is a challenge like other issues in life. It requires dedication, commitment and perseverance.
Dr Yvonnie Bailey-Davidson; El Shaddai Medical Centre, 9274824; yvonniebd@hotmail.com.
