Tony Deyal
A MINISTER of religion in one of the very strict Christian creeds was driving to New York to attend a major gospel rally when a policeman stopped him for speeding. All it took was one whiff of his breath to make the policeman suspicious. An empty wine bottle on the floor was all the proof the policeman needed.
He looked the minister in the eye and said accusingly, "Sir, you've been drinking!" The minister replied, "Just water, that's all I had officer." The policeman asked mockingly, "Then why do I smell wine on your breath, sir?" The minister looked down at the bottle, then up at the heavens and then down at the bottle again, went on his knees and said in wonderment, "Lord, you've done it again!"
For religious persons, the water-wine conundrum is a matter of either-or. In politics, it unravels into an 'and'. The mayor of an American town called Waldron was released on a bond a few weeks ago after being accused of soliciting two women for sex. They fell a little behind on their water bills and that is also what the mayor wanted from them.
MORE BIZARRE
What makes it all even more bizarre than any of Bill Clinton's shenanigans is that the mayor, Troy Anderson, is 72 years old. While some of my more politically incorrect colleagues would nominate him for some kind of award, Anderson is accused of abusing the public trust and patronising a prostitute.
Anderson, it seems, would find out which women weren't paying their water bills and then solicit sex from them in return for helping them financially. He dealt in liquid cash. One could be very gross about the whole water-and-wine business, and even go back to the definition of sex as one damp thing after another, but the fact is that for a man who was no spring chicken, he thirsted for sex to the extent that he was willing to let his public office go down the drain.
While he was a sexaholic, he was not altogether hydro-cephalic. All his sexual soliciting was not confined to water issues. In January, a woman wanted the mayor's help to get her daughter out of custody. He promised to help her and gave her an apartment address at which she could meet him. The woman wore a recording device when she met Anderson at the apartment. He offered her $100 for sex, grabbed her and exposed himself.
CONFESSION
Another woman confessed to having sex for money with the mayor for the past eight to 10 years. She said Anderson paid her $25 per encounter and that he allowed her to change the name on her overdue water bill. This kept her water and the mayor turned on. The mayor also gave the woman $60 to pay a late water deposit in exchange for sex. The woman recorded a session with Anderson from which she earned $20 or about three per cent of her total water bill. Having no information on the size of his bill, one cannot calculate the percentage.
It might be easier to rationalise the whole sordid mess if the matter concerned bottled - and not tap water. A man and his wife in the bottled water aisle in a supermarket looked at the cost of an expensive French import. The man whistled at the price and then asked his wife, "Who would buy all this expensive Evian water anyway?" The wife replied, "Look at it again. 'Evian' is 'naïve' spelled backwards."
It doesn't have to be Evian. It could just be plain common or garden water. A woman came home and complained to her husband: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburettor." Being the expert on all such matters, the husband found the whole thing preposterous. "Water in the carburettor?" he asked. "That's ridiculous." The lady insisted, "I tell you the car has water in the carburettor." The husband, taking refuge in arrogance, said condescendingly: "You don't even know what a carburettor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?" His wife replied, "In the pool."
The problem is that sexual exploitation by anyone, regardless of age, is totally unacceptable. I would not have put the mayor on a bond or bail. I have the right solution for him. A traveller was lost in the Sahara desert. Recognising that his only hope for survival was to find either water or help, he started to walk through the trackless sand which stretched as far as the eye could see. He became thirstier and thirstier. After a long time, he started to feel very faint. He was on the edge of unconsciousness when he saw a tent in the distance. He crawled to the tent and mumbled through parched lips and throat, "Water, water." An Arab appeared and said solicitously, "I am sorry, sir, but I don't have water. However, would you like to buy a tie?" With this, he showed off a bunch of brilliantly-coloured ties.
The man was upset and croaked, "Water, water, I want water not ties." "In that case," the Arab said in a huff, "If that is what you want there is a tent about a mile away where you can get water." The man tapped all his strength and determination to crawl to the second tent. He collapsed when he reach the tent. Another Arab, dressed in a tuxedo and black tie, came to the door and asked, "Can I help you sir?" "Water," the man rasped. "I would be glad to help you," the Arab said, "but I can't allow you in here without a tie."
Tony Deyal was last seen talking about an old man who went to a witch doctor to remove a 40-year-old curse that had been put on him. When asked for the exact words of the spell, the old man replied, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
