Ivret Williams
Dear Counsellor:
I am having a problem with my stepdaughter who is fifteen years old. I have been married for the past four years and after two years of married life my husband brought her home to live with us. She has been very disruptive and nothing I say to her means anything, as she is openly disobedient. There are times when her behaviour is telling me that I am not her mother and I should not talk to her. My husband is torn between both of us, as he does not want to take sides. I am not asking him to take sides but there are times when I wish he was more authoritative as there are times when he seems to spoil her. Right now I do not know what to do. I have tried being a mother and I have tried being a friend but nothing works. What can I do?
Dear reader:
In some cases, the man may be feeling guilty and instead of taking a stand, he is quite ambivalent about the situation. On the flip side your stepdaughter may also be experiencing pain. Added to the peer pressures of being a teenager she must be feeling displaced as she is now living with a woman who has replaced her mother and is trying to be a mother-figure to her. She may also be feeling abandoned. She may be angry with her father, especially if she feels that he should have married her mother. She could be comparing you to her mother on a daily basis and wondering what it was about you that made her father marry you. Having all these issues to deal with may be burdensome for her and if she does not have anyone to talk to she will act it out in negative ways.
All this will impact your marriage and let me say that your stepdaughter can and may do things to jeopardize your relationship, especially if your husband is not prepared to take a stand. Based on the fact that children are leaving home at older ages you will be together for a little while. I would advise that you tell your husband how the situation is affecting you. He may not have realized the impact it is having on you and the stress it is putting on the relationship. It would be good for him to have a family talk. It is his duty to initiate this, NOT yours. To talk to her alone may not yield any result, but a family discussion would be best. Invite her to air all the issues that are affecting her and you also air all the issues from your angle. If this does not work out then I would recommend that as a family you see a counsellor as this is not an individual issue but a family issue.
Can't stop crying
Dear Counsellor:
Six months ago my mother died. Although she was ailing for quite a while I took her death quite hard. I still cry and many days I seem far away. The problem right now is that it is affecting my marriage. I do not want to have sex with my husband. At first he was very patient, but it seems as if his patience is wearing thin. I have tried to accommodate him but it has not worked as in the middle of everything my energy level drops. Right now I see my husband slipping away from me and I do not know what to do.
- Sandra
Dear Sandra:
Let me first express my condolences on the death of your mother. This must be a hard time for you. Depression and grief saps one's energy and will make you lose your desire for sex. I cannot tell you to 'get over it' because we all process grief in our different ways. However, I am sure your mother would not want your marriage to be destroyed because of her death. One way of dealing with your situation is to celebrate her life instead of mourning her death. Think of all the good that she has done, all the people she has helped, how she has contributed to the human race and give thanks for that. Thank God for the wonderful mother that you had. To cherish her memory you could start a scholarship in her honour. The activity will assist you to get through this trying time and help to heal the pain. If this does not work, see a counsellor.
Email Ivret Williams: letstalkrelationships@yahoo.com Ivret Williams is a counselling psychologist. Email her: letstalkrelationships@yahoo.com.
