HONESTY AND integrity are character traits which can be as valuable as being born wealthy. They are qualities which, for employers and those looking for a life partner, are worth their weight in gold. To see how most of us raise our children, however, one would not believe that we know how valuable honesty and integrity can be.

Dr. Sharon Johnson, director of Help for Parents in Kingston, notes, "Being truthful to others and yourself and the concept of being who you say you are and doing what you say you do and choosing to live above corruption encompass the concepts of honesty and integrity."

CONCEPTS

These are not easy concepts to teach, she says, when we live in a society where honesty might not be the most common character trait that many of us possess.

While we do not want anybody to lie to us ­ we are not always truthful to others. "We want other people to have integrity, yet we do not consistently operate with integrity ourselves. The best way to teach these character traits to children is to live them out ourselves," the family counsellor states.

Unfortunately, children take on our strongest negative traits as well as our strongest positive ones. These traits can be transmitted both by direct and indirect means. Some of the teaching between parent and child happens indirectly.

SMALL THINGS

We often teach children to lie about small things such as when somebody calls on the telephone and, because we do not want to talk to them, we tell our child to tell the person we are not at home. At that point we are teaching our children that dishonesty is acceptable in certain circumstances. We could have stated "I am here but I am not available right now." But, we choose to lie.

The problem for children is that they may not be able to discern what 'certain circumstances' are and may feel it is acceptable to be dishonest at other times as well. When we guide a child to be dishonest we are consenting to further lies and deceptions.

CONFUSING MESSAGES

We also can send confusing messages by not addressing general untruths children might tell, yet become upset and express betrayal when our children are not honest with us. In order to teach honesty, we must put aside double standards and the confusing messages we give to children.

Sometimes our subtle language also teaches dishonesty. We say things like "Don't let me 'catch' you doing this thing or see you doing this thing again."

Does that mean that if a parent does not see them or catch them it is OK? That is another double message, meaning it's OK if you are not caught. Honesty and integrity are things that we teach continuously to children throughout their development.

Children at a young age do not see life in terms of being truthful and honest. They have to develop a sense of morality overtime. The way they process information at four or five years old is very different from what they see as they get older.

Next week: How to teach integrity. Information provided by Dr. Sharon Johnson, family counsellor and director of Help for Parents in Kingston.
Email: hfp@tropicomltd.com.