UTTER THE words cheating and marriage in the same sentence and the listener may immediately think a third party, besides the husband and wife, is involved. However, Kingston-based marriage counsellor George Ramocan believes that couples are quite capable of cheating each other within the marriage and frequently do.
Referring to 1 Corinthians 7:14, the counsellor states that affection is something which the husband owes the wife and, similarly, the wife owes this to her husband. The scripture, he adds, notes that the wife does not have authority over her own body and the same goes for the husband.
"In my experience, deprivation happens both ways, but wives are especially prone to 'disciplining' their husbands by the act of withholding sex," the counsellor said.
"The common problem I find in counselling is a wife withholding (sex) from her husband when he is not meeting up to her expectations of faithfulness, financial support, or when there are problems in terms of just the way in which they relate.
"There is a strain on the marriage and she is not prepared to provide her husband with this aspect of the relationship."
Unlike women, the counsellor notes, men seem even in the face of problems quite willing and able to have sex. "In fact, when there are problems, they seem to believe it is one way of trying to make up."
The man, therefore, tries to have intimate relations with his wife, but she refrains and it serves to break the relationship further. In response, the man "gives her the silent treatment and this adds to the stress on the marriage, affecting children, house duties and all other aspects of the relationship."
Continuing sexual relations is, therefore, to the benefit of the marriage, but does the biblical text mean that women have no say over when and how they want to have intercourse?
The counsellor comments, "Many people take it to mean you can now go in and do what you like, how you like. But, what the Corinthians text really means is that you are in possession of something which belongs to your spouse and for that reason you should not spitefully deprive him/her of it.
"At no time does it suggest that the husband and wife can aggressively demand or forcefully take the sexual relations that they are genuinely entitled to. What it means is that the husband must not refrain from giving to his wife and vice versa."
The counsellor states that sex is intended for the fulfilment of both persons. "Sex in marriage involves passion, adoration, selflessness. You have the right to give, not the right to take. Your body belongs to your spouse but it is in your possession. Do not deprive your spouse of it. This also ties in with the golden rule that you should do unto others as you would that they should do unto you.
"This principle of selflessness also applies to other areas of life. There are the possessions that you have husbanding to yourself when you should be sharing them with others. Your body is a gift to give to your spouse.
"No matter how poor you are in other material possessions, this you can give. Let me say it, especially to wives. Do not be surprised at your husband's desire for you. He is obeying God. Don't discourage him from obeying God. He wants to serve the Lord. Help him."
The counsellor notes that a wife who withholds sexual relations is not necessarily doing so out of spite.
"A woman needs a sense of security, love and affection to be able to relate sexually. A man tends to be able to get into the act without that kind of affectionate touching.
"A woman wants to communicate when there is a problem. Men tend to be silent mainly because they want to speak only when they have solutions. They don't want to speak in a way that exposes their inability or weakness. But, the woman wants to talk. And it is only when she has expressed herself that she can move on to a physical relationship."
"I would say first to men that they need to understand how women think," George Ramocan states.
"I place the responsibility for the relationship upon the men. The man is the leader of the home. He should take the initiative to deal with whatever problems there are in the relationship even if the wife is the one at fault.
"For this reason, men need to study to understand the major differences between the male and female."
The counsellor expressed his belief that a Christian marriage enables the parties to please each other more. "They see themselves not as exclusively relating to each other. They submit to one another out of reverence to Christ."
The counsellor also advises women to seek to understand their husbands. "Lack of communication is caused by something which operates in the male psyche. It causes the man to withhold communication when he finds himself in a crisis or in a situation when he is trying to resolve an issue. He prefers to communicate when he has a solution, something to impress you.
"He does not want to tell you something that shows he is weak or out of control. Rather than criticising, nagging or withholding sex, do your Christian duty."
Information taken from Peace and Love in Marriage (PALM) seminar of the Church of God International. To reserve space in next free seminar The Role of the Christian Wife to be held on July 30, call 866-5770 or email George Ramocan at
palmministries@yahoo.com.
