ADOLESCENTS HAVE strong desires and strong feelings. They want what they want and they want it now. They are like two-year-olds, but they must be handled differently.
Lecturing and preaching do not work, says Dr. Sharon Johnson, director of Help for Parents in Kingston.
"Teens easily turn their parents voices off and, often, a lot of anger and resentment are built up."
For adolescents, the way that you express your love to them is by listening to them, the counsellor states.
Many parents also are expressing frustration while teens are saying that their parents do not understand or do not listen.
According to Dr. Johnson, understanding and listening do not mean you always act in favour of the child. Instead, they mean that you will seek
to understand from their
perspective.
Listening means that you earn the right to be heard yourself.
Many adults forget that they were teenagers too. Instead, where they are at and what they are experiencing now are all that matter. So the arguments rage on.
Parents are entitled to their opinions and do have a right to set boundaries and consequences. But, they also have to take into consideration their child's needs, desires and wants.
Once a teen is allowed to express and say what he or she thinks, it can give the parents some sense of what they are feeling.
Parents usually make a lot of assumptions and this raises a lot of frustration levels. Parents think they know what their children need and youth think they know everything, so no one is willing to listen. This is the context in which a lot of conflict happens.
Compromise becomes key, points out Dr. Johnson. No, you cannot give them everything they want the way they want because it's not always good for them. But, understanding what they want is important even when you go on to set boundaries that they do not like.
Continue to communicate love and positive regard. This is important even in the teen years. Usually, there is something in a child's head which says 'they do not love me they are out to make my life miserable'. It is important that parents communicate their love and care.
Children need support in setting boundaries. Parents should create them and make the effort to stick to these established boundaries. And, when boundaries are broken it is important that appropriate consequences take place too.
Information provided by Dr. Sharon Johnson, director of Help for Parents in Kingston and family counsellor. Email: hfp@tropicomltd.com
