Ivret Williams
Dear Counsellor:
I have been dating a young man for six years now. We have an okay relationship but he does not do any little nice things for me such as, on my birthday, Christmas or other occasions, he never buy me a gift or a postcard or anything like that.
Two years ago I met another gentleman who is older than I am. We started going for dinners, movies and eventually we started dating. He is one who buys me gifts, takes me out and things like that. I never told my first boyfriend even though we live apart that I had started seeing someone new. However, I was planning on telling him, but I never got around to it. So he told me a few weeks ago that something happened to him and he does not know how to tell me. He says he has a child with a different woman even though I had asked him many times if he was cheating and he said no. So I told him that I cannot be with him anymore and he said I can't leave him, if I leave him he is going to go crazy and kill himself.
He says he loves me and I should please forgive him, but I think that it's time I move on with my new friend. Even though I have not been intimate with any of them I think it's time for me to move on. I do not know what to do. I don't want anything to happen to him. Please tell me what you think I should do and how to go about doing it.
Cass
Dear Cass:
Your friend is trying to keep you captive by threatening that he will kill himself if you should leave. His male ego is getting the better of him. He says he is sorry and claims undying love but (pardon me if I am wrong), I am sure he has not stopped cheating on you.
By the way, why do you consider it an 'okay' relationship if, in your estimation, he does not do nice things for you? Why did you stay in it for six years? If it was so okay what prompted you to start seeing someone else? Is it not ironic that you are being unfaithful to someone who is treating you quite well? How would he feel if he knew that you were cheating on him?
What should you do? What you should do is dependent on what you want. And so my dear Cass, what do you want? Obviously you are not sure. Do you think you deserve the best? If you do not think you deserve the best then you will sabotage a good relationship. You need to look critically at both relationships and determine which one is a better investment.
When I talk about investment, I am thinking about which relationship will give you the best returns physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually and financially. When you have counted the cost and considered all the risks involved, then make your move.
Long-distance relationships
Dear Counsellor:
Do you believe in long-distance relationships? I am going away to study and I wonder if my relationship will withstand the test of separation. I do not want to be away studying and be worrying about a relationship and right now we are not ready to be married. Your advice please.
Karla
Dear Karla:
It is said that 'absence makes the heart grow fonder', but let's face it, the heart can also wander. I think you should share your fears with your fiancée and see how best you both can deal with the situation. Maybe he has similar fears that he is afraid to discuss, but if you discuss them together you can come up with suggestions to keep the relationship alive. If you know of any friends or family who were separated for a time you could ask how they survived the separation. All the best.
Ivret Williams is a counselling psychologist.
Email her: letstalkrelationships@yahoo.com
