Shelly-Ann Thompson, Freelance Writer
MARIA* HAS it all. The 35-year-old owns a house, a car and is a businesswoman. Yet, she feels incomplete. "You wouldn't understand, sometimes it can be so lonely at home," she says. "I don't need a man to take care of me financially. I need a companion. Someone to make me feel complete."
Like Maria, there are many women who need a man to be happy, fulfilled or satisfied with life; women who perceive being with a man as a part of the equation of happiness. A belief, that might have been, cemented by socialisation. Growing up we heard about the perfect life. Go to school, get the job, meet a man, get married and have a home with children. The perfect life that should ooze happiness.
"I believe that I should achieve - career, house, car. However, I do need a man. Someone to go home to. Someone to share my opinions or achievements with. To me that is happiness," says Sharon.
However, happiness should come from within, says counselling psychologist, Yvonne Foster. That happiness should not be defined by being in a relationship. A woman can definitely be happy without a man.
"A woman can be complete as one ... and if not, you cannot be happy as a partner," she says.
It is all right to desire a partner, however, happiness should not be defined by having a relationship, says Foster. Simply put, women who are happy, attract more happiness.
"Marriage is for two people who are complete with themselves," Foster says.
An article in the February 2003 issue of Essence Magazine headlined, 'No man can make you happy' by Rev. T.D. Jakes, states: "Many women enter into romantic relationships hoping that their partner will somehow make them happy. This is not only unrealistic, but it's also virtually impossible. No matter how gallant a man may be, he is not equipped to make a woman happy. Only the woman herself can do that."
BALANCED
Ms. Foster notes that women should be balanced. That they should accept their abilities, love themselves, work towards a goal, pursue interests and do a lot of good work, being emotionally involved. "As women we should be able to live with ourselves. Then, if a partner comes along, he too should be happy with himself."
Ms. Foster says that too often women make the mistake of seeking happiness from being with a man. "Many sit there waiting for the perfect partner. In suspension they feel sad, angry and also blame God."
The Essence Magazine article also notes that: "To have happy, healthy relationships, women must be in a place of peace within themselves. Otherwise Prince Charming may indeed show up, but she might not notice because she's engulfed by feelings of wariness and uncertainty."
For those like Maria who have it all and are still unhappy because they are not in a relationship, Foster says that they should grow out of that socialisation process.
She notes that sometimes too that perfect life deemed to be happiness can cause discomfort.
"The perfect state that we call marriage has its limitations. So in reality it is not perfect.
You have more freedom being single. You can travel, study, be in more control of your finances. Based on your achievements, having a family or being in a relationship may distract."
There are many women who believe this statement. "Being with a man makes you more unhappy. You have to be thinking about two persons. You have no freedom or a sense of being carefree. I can't tell when last I made up my bed. If I lived with a man that couldn't be happening," said April.
Others think that it is a luck of the draw to find a man to make you complete so women should first complete themselves. "It's difficult to find that man who will complement you. A man who will make you enjoy being a woman.
"Find happiness in yourself, expect less from relationships, then you are more likely to succeed," says Angela.
* Names changed on request
