Ivret Williams
Dear Counsellor:
I am 25 years old and I am in a relationship with a guy who is 29 years old. We are both Christians. The problem is, he would like us to engage in sexual activities and I keep saying no. He has since asked me to marry him, but he is saying that when we get engaged we should start having sex. I care for him a lot, but I am confused. What should I do?
Dawn
Dear Dawn:
It is obvious that you both have different views as it relates to moral and spiritual issues. Let us look for a moment at the issue of pre-marital sex. The Christian religion instructs its adherents to 'flee fornication'. In light of the fact that you profess to be a Christian, you should abstain from sexual indulgence until you are married. You are subtly being pressured into having sex. Dawn, sex is something you should engage in when you are good and ready and your moral and spiritual values should inform that decision. You should not engage in sex to please anyone. Also to have sex when you do not feel that it is the right thing to do may leave you with feelings of guilt which may affect future sexual relationships.
If sex is so important and urgent for him, who says he will still be interested after you have had sex? Suppose he is not satisfied, what then? A sexual relationship bonds two persons physically and emotionally. Breaking up when you have shared your body and soul with someone can be quite traumatic. Also future sexual relationships can be affected as well because people tend to compare one relationship to another. Let me be quite blunt, if sex is all he is after, then when you give in, he may simply move on to his next conquest leaving you feeling used and discarded.
Although you say you care for him a lot, there is obviously a difference in your Christian commitment. And, if his lifestyle is not dictated by his Christian commitment, then you should rethink the relationship at this time. I believe 'unequal yoke' is more than a Christian/non-Christian liaison. Even persons who profess to be Christians can be 'unequally yoked'.
Will this work?
Dear Counsellor:
I am 38 years old and I find that I am being drawn to a guy who is 26 years old. He acts very matured for his age and we have gone out on a couple of dates. The problem is he wants to take the relationship a step higher and I am considering it. My problem is that my family is not for it and some of my friends. There are times when we go out and people will look at us and sometimes they may make a snide remark. I sometimes act as if I did not hear. I talked to him about it and he said that it did not matter to him. I am asking you for an honest answer. Do you think this will work?
Kareen
Dear Kareen:
Your relationship will be tested, not only be tested from your side but also from his side as well. His friends and family may be giving him 'hell'. And let me add, society is not kind to these relationships. As you have experienced, people will mock you, even to your face. To be in a relationship of this nature you have to be strong and know what you are about. And so I ask the question: Are you in this relationship as a first choice or because you feel that time is passing you by and he is the only person in your immediate future? And while you are thinking about it, would you discard him if someone older came along? Bear in mind that research has indicated that marriages between persons of 10 years or more age differences will more likely end in divorce.
Ivret Williams is a counselling psychologist. Email her: letstalkrelationships@yahoo.com.
