Dear Counsellor:

I read one of your responses recently to someone who had a question about age differences in relationships. We have two mutual friends who are dating. The boy is 22 and the girl(er, woman) is 44. Neither has ever been married. Almost all of their friends think the relationship seems cockeyed, although, to be fair, there is a handful that seems to be ok with it. Their families are aghast. The subject has even become unmentionable.

We all walk around like we don't notice that they are holding hands. Weird! I think many of us want to say 'something', but do not believe it is any of our business. Some of us even feel that we might be guilty of a double- standard, because if it were the other way around (he being older) we would not be as concerned. Yet, we would feel badly if things do not turn out right. At the same time, if they did have a successful marriage, we would be thankful for that. Do we have an obligation to our friends to share our concerns, or do we 'MYOB' and hope for the best?

- Dave

Dear Dave:

It is expected of friends to be concerned about the other's welfare, but within limits. I think you should respect your friend's decision to live their lives the way they choose as long as they are not being harmful to themselves or others. They could have kept the relationship private, but they chose not to. If they are not embarrassed to be seen together or to be holding hands, why are you? I hope you are not being plagued with a 'Messiah' complex, thinking that you are here to 'save' the world.

The relationship may head somewhere or it may not, but whatever direction it goes, this must be the decision of the couple and not as a result of external forces. And please take this advice seriously, because if you do not, then in a subliminal way, you may say or do something to jeopardise their relationship. Friends must understand that they lend support and offer advice, but they do not invade privacies, nor do they cross boundaries.

I read your column in which you wrote about age differences in relationships. I have a problem and I am asking your advice. I am 33 years old and a year ago I got married to a 54 year old man. Initially I was very impressed with his matured way of dealing with things.

However, right now I am not sure I want to continue the marriage as he watches every cent that is spent and he is always listening to my phone calls. Also, he wants to know every move that I make. At my age, I am not used to explaining myself to persons. I really regret this marriage and many times I have felt like walking out. It is because of my Christian values why I am still in it. Your advice please as this man is driving me nuts.

- Celia

Dear Celia:

In relationships such as yours, the older spouse will have a tendency to parent because they have seen - more of the world - and are more mature. They will want to tell the other person what to do, which will frustrate the younger partner who may want to rebel. The older person may be more conservative where money is concerned and this could be owing in part because you are at different stages in your life journey. He is heading for retirement and has to be careful with his money, as he knows that his working years are limited.

You say he listens to your phone calls and this could be a sign that he may be feeling insecure. He needs assurance of your love and devotion. Celia, your marriage is still young and right now you are in the process of 'becoming one'. The 'becoming one' process takes time and effort and during this time there will be conflicts and frustrations as personalities merge and individuals 'let down their guard' to allow the other person in. In your frustrations, please do not throw away what could potentially be a good marriage.