Ivret Williams

Dear Counsellor:

I am feeling insecure about my relationship with my husband. The problem is I am 42 years old and we have been married for two years. He is five years younger than I am and he tends to be spendthrift. He buys sometimes without even thinking about it. Whenever I talk to him he claims that it is one life and we must live it well.

The other day I told him that I wanted to start seriously saving for retirement and he laughed at me saying that I am being silly and that retirement is a long way away. He has made it into a source of irritation and from time to time he will bring it up. We never had any premarital counselling and I regret that now because I realise that this issue with money could create a wedge in the relationship. Am I being silly in thinking about retirement? Your advice please.

- Marva

Dear Marva:

The earlier that one starts to save for retirement gives the individual more time to save. Remember, it is better to have your retirement income outlive you than for you to outlive your retirement income. Also retirement planning is very important, especially for women. This is due to the fact that women generally work fewer years and earn less than men. Since they earn less, their pension will be less.

Statistics show that 85 per cent of women die alone, unmarried, widowed or divorced. Added to this gloom is the fact that one research showed that women 65 years and older have a total median income of 43 per cent less than men of similar ages. To add to this, the American Association for Retired Persons says that although only 12 per cent of all elderly persons live in poverty, 74 per cent of them are women. Granted, during retirement some costs go down, like work-related costs but others will go up, like health care. Are you being silly in thinking about retirement?

Marva, you should have started thinking about retirement when you got your first pay cheque. Having said all of that I would also like to inform you that a constant area for disagreement in marriages is finances. So be aware of that as you engage in your financial debates.

Unapologetic husband

Dear Counsellor:

My husband of one year and I had a very serious quarrel recently and I expect him to apologize and he has no intention of doing so. The relationship has not been the same since. Your advice, please.

- Sandy

Dear Sandy:

Conflicts, if left unattended, do not go away; they remain there and fester. There are different views that could arise from your situation. Among them are, one could take the view that if your husband was a caring person he would have stopped what he was doing and listened to you.

Another view is if you cared for him you would have realized how important football is to him and talked about your problem after the game was finished. Having said all that, the problem still remains. The stalemate is a sign of the ego at work and who is more important and has more power in the relationship?

The person who feels that they have more power may seek to extend the stalemate. Sandy, you or your husband may leave home and never return that evening or go to bed and die in your sleep. Would your stalemate have been worth it? Life is too short to remain angry with your spouse. Individuals need to become like little children. Have you ever noticed that they have no time for malice? Sandy, irrespective of who was wrong, call a truce, discuss the offence, forgive each other and move on. Your relationship will be better for it.

Ivret Williams is a counselling psychologist. Email her: letstalkrelationships@yahoo.com