Not everyone arrives at the altar with unabated enthusiasm for the vows he/she is about to take. Most people, researchers note, will in fact experience moments of wondering if they are doing the right thing.
St. Catherine-based counselling psychologist Arlene Baker, notes that the term 'cold feet' is described by Allison Smith, author of the book Emotionally Engaged, as "a loss or lack of courage or confidence; an onset of uncertainty or fear."
The term is commonly associated with fears and 'second thoughts' experienced just prior to getting married.
Smith states that brides experience cold feet as an 'amorphous mass of anxiety' that keeps them awake at night, keeps their mind racing, their heart rate up, gives them zits and colds and muscle aches, and makes them miserable, jumpy and unsure.
Can be helpful
Baker notes that cold feet can be helpful because, once these feelings are examined, they will provide important information about true attitudes to getting married.
Usually, she adds, the feelings are not a cause for concern and will pass naturally as you realise that you are more excited than anxious about taking such a big step in your life.
The following, the counsellor notes, will help with your cold feet issues.
Try to relax and realise that this happens to a lot of people in your situation. This is very important as many persons get caught up in believing that these feelings mean that they should not go through with their wedding. Realising that your feelings are completely natural will help to allay fears.
Try to stay calm. Get out a piece of paper and pen and just start listing all of your anxieties.
"This is very helpful," Baker notes, "as it should help you to realise that you don't really have much to worry about." On the other hand, she also says, you may find that you have a long list of fears of which many are not really logical. Sometimes seeing your concerns on paper helps to alleviate them.
Talk to your partner about your feelings. At times persons are hesitant to do this because they are ashamed of their feelings, Baker notes, but talking to your partner can help in this situation. "Chances are your partner knows you better than anyone and can help you to work through the issues. They may even confide in you about their own feelings which help you to realise that cold feet are completely natural."
Talk to a counsellor or a close friend. Just talking about your anxieties can help to abate the tension. If you talk about your fears you are likely to find that they begin to disappear and you start to relax.
Talk to friends who are married to get their ideas on the issues. They will be able to tell you how well things are going for them which can ease your fears about the transition to marriage. They may also share their own experience with you.
Make two lists: one of your fears and the other with reasons for marrying your partner. As you make each list you will see that the reasons that you want to get married out-weigh your fears. Just seeing this on paper can be useful in expelling cold feet.
Write a love letter to your partner. "This is a good way to fight the feelings of cold feet," notes Baker. "This gives you a chance to highlight all the reasons why you said 'yes' to your partner and redirect your attention to what you love about him or her."
Spend time away from the planning of the wedding. Anxieties associated with the wedding are often caused by other problems. The stresses of planning the wedding. can make you feel on edge and make the issues seem bigger than they are. Try to do something fun.
Baker concludes, "Cold feet or feelings of anxiety over your wedding are perfectly normal. Many brides and grooms have these feelings and in most cases they are harmless."
It is important, however, she notes, to trust your instincts and if there is something wrong with the relationship, it may be prudent to cancel the wedding.
Information provided by counselling psychologist Arlene Faye Baker. Email fayebaker35@yahoo.com.
