Ivret Williams

Dear Counsellor:

I have been in a relationship for the past two years and my boyfriend claims that I am trying to control him.

When he is going out I will ask him where he is going, and if he is out late, I will call and ask where he is and when he is coming home. I believe that I have a right to do so as we are in a relationship.

He, however, feels that I am trying to control him and sometimes he gets angry and turns off his phone. Counsellor, I have never seen myself as a controller. I need your advice.

- Andrea

Dear Andrea:

A person who is a controller feels that he or she must always be in control. They experience a feeling of power by knowing they are in control. They fear rejection, disappointment and abandonment.

To maintain the status quo, the controller will use different tactics to keep his or her spouse in line. One tactic that is sometimes used is that the controller will continually push a 'guilt' button to make the 'controllee' feel emotionally indebted with a tag hanging over the person's head that says, 'You owe me'.

Another tactic is challenging the person's love and devotion to the union. The end result is that the person is forever trying to please and every time they feel that they are making progress the rules may change on them. The aim of the controller is to have the person constantly feeling insecure.

Maintaining control

Some will use ridicule to control their partners. The end result is that the individual may doubt his or her abilities and become dependent on the other person. Controllers will have a problem with persons who are independent thinkers, because they will not 'swallow' everything that is said to them. To maintain control, the controller may go to the extent of being abusive emotionally, verbally or physically.

You are not in a relationship by yourself. If your spouse says he feels like you are trying to control him, ask him to identify things you have said or done that lead him to feel that way. We all have a blind spot which prevents us from seeing portions of ourselves that others see. So you need to know what he is seeing. Also, you need to identify your fears as these will influence the way you behave. Your fears can cause you to imprison or try to imprison the very one you love.

Dear Counsellor:

I will be getting married in December and I love my fiancé very much. I, however, have one problem. I am afraid that the marriage will not last. We are both Christians and when I look around I see so many marriages failing, even Christian marriages. I know of some couples who have not separated but it would have been better if they had, because they are so miserable. How can I get over this fear?

- Kennie

Dear Kennie:

It is true that there are many marriages that are falling apart, but there are still many that have survived. There are many forces that are fighting against marriage. Even the very society in which one lives makes the covenant of marriage seem oppressing with statements like, "Why buy the cow when you can drink the milk free?"

Kennie, before you seek to get married get rid of your fear. Fear is crippling, and it can create unnecessary strain and stress on your relationship. Get to the root of your fear and flush it out of your system and remember that 'perfect love casts out all fear'. As a Christian, Proverbs 3:6 reminds you, 'In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight'. When you feel fear arising, remember Jesus' words to His disciples that men ought always to pray and not to faint.

Ivret Williams is a counselling psychologist. Email her at lets talkrelationships@yahoo.com.