B. C. Pires, Contributor
Pires
Monday was my birthday and what have I got to show for 45 years' resistance in the urban guerrilla war of life? Contracting hairline, expanding waistline, infrequent byline and recurring punchline.
Five years ago, and five years before that, in birthday columns headlined, respectively, 'Forty and Thirty-five with a bullet', I repeated the same hairline/ waistline/ byline joke I first made when I was 'Thirty with a bullet'. Whatever else I may have learned since I began writing this column, it clearly hasn't included a new joke.
Five years ago, I admitted the only thing I knew for sure at age 40 was, I could not fool myself into thinking I was young any more.
Five years on, there is no grey area whatever on the matter, other than the colour of what little hair I have left. I'm old now. The best I can hope for is that people will think I still do a helluva lot without help. It would be all right if age brought wisdom but I still don't know Jack Squat.
For example, although I have used it four times in headlines, I'm still unsure what the expression 'with a bullet' means. I first heard it when I was doing O' levels, in a song that went, 'I'm 18/ With a bullet/Got my finger on the trigger/Gonna pull it.' I liked how it sounded, so I picked it up and made as if, kind of like how I got into this job.
About the only wisdom I've acquired is in accepting my stupidity. The problem is, four days after my 40th birthday, on D-Day (today), my daughter was born, and I had to learn to fake not just intelligence but an omnipotent form of it. Luckily for me, I was a lawyer once, and remember how to present consummate ignorance as all-encompassing knowledge. And, even more luckily, at ages five and three, my children are less discerning than American voters and I can invent totally wild answers to questions.
If your own children should come home and tell you the reason planes fly is because a giant sky shark is chasing them, they probably went to the same football or ballet lessons as mine. (And don't complain: yours may be telling mine God will fry them if they eat bacon, or that a massive sculpture of a naked, bleeding man nailed to a cross should inspire bliss, not horror, in them).
Fifteen years ago, on my 30th birthday, I considered it important to have learned something from my life. (Today, I know it is enough to just have lived). I set out 30 pieces of advice that could never lead you astray. Fifteen years on, like the byline/hairline/waistline joke, I find my advice can't be improved upon; not by me anyway. I add today five new items of what must be called gems of wisdom or the game would be up, one each for the five more years I've lived and ought to have learned. Follow these precepts and, though you may never get to heaven, you are unlikely to be imprisoned for longer than one night; excluding arrests under American national security legislation.
Never pass wind in an elevator.
Never give your real name.
Marry your best friend.
Always try the legitimate method first.
Clothes make the man.
Lift the toilet seat.
You can't please everybody.
The less talented are always more critical.
Powerful men are secretly terrified.
It's obtained, not got.
David Rudder/Bunji Garlin is the future of calypso.
The moment you light your cigarette, the food appears.
Never sleep with a girl called Ruby; never play pool with a guy called Fats; never play cards with a man called Doc (Tom Waits); never vote for a political party with three initials in its name (me).
The girl in the gym is not looking at you but at her reflection in the mirror behind you.
Homophobes are usually latent homosexuals.
There is no such thing as a free lunch.
If you're going to kick authority in the teeth, you might as well use both feet (Keith Richards).
You reap what you sow.
Walk, don't run, across the street.
Speak of the Devil and he appears.
Don't cuss in new company until they cuss.
Time flies.
If it's fun, it's immoral; if it's really fun, it's illegal in Texas.
Feed the dog; stroke the cat; walk like an Egyptian.
Nothing is more powerful than love, not even business.
If you must smoke, use a filter; if you must drink, don't drive.
Don't smoke.
Don't drink.
Use condoms.
Politicians haven't a clue.
You're going to die.
You're going to be re-born.
Things get better.
God wants us to have lots of sex but only a few children.
Wherever you go, there you are.
Enough is as good as a feast.
You will never have enough money.
The Bible, the Koran and the rest are more book than holy; interpret them for yourself.
One man's meat is another man's poison.
Children can get you higher than drugs and alcohol.
All things must pass (George Harrison).
You must be the change you want to see in the world. (Gandhi).
Brrrrrrttt! (Bunji)
The only thing you really have to spend is time - and you're wasting most of it.
One day I'll have to get a real job.
