Ivret Williams

Dear Counsellor:

I am asking your advice in dealing with a problem. I find that whenever my girlfriend and I have a quarrel I have a desire to hurt or punish her. I have hit her once and she said that if I do it again the relationship will end because she will be going to the police.

To be honest, at other times I have wanted to hit her when I get angry with her. Because I cannot hit her I am doing things to hurt her. I have above-average intelligence and I really think I should do better. But every time I do the same thing all over.

- Kevin

Dear Kevin:

Education or social status has nothing to do with whether or not a person will abuse a spouse. Even persons who profess Christianity - a love religion - have abused their spouses.

You may have underlying anger as a result of physical abuse you experienced as a child. And this anger will not go away just like that. It will 'crouch like a tiger' waiting for some triggering factor to pounce. Also your words - when you get angry with her - sound like control. It is as if she is your child and she has done something to displease you and for that she should be punished. In a healthy relationship there is equality and persons treat each other with respect.

You may also have hostility toward women. This is a problem observed in many men from homes in which the father is absent. This hostility may develop because the mother or mother figure tries to compensate for the absence of the father by playing either a dominant role or a smothering role.

Unfortunately the more dominant the mother is, the greater becomes the boy's hostility towards her. In adulthood, the boy's anger and hostility are projected towards the women in their lives.

Kevin, I would advise you to go and see a trained counsellor who will be able to help you to analyse the source of your anger and how to deal with it.

Won't settle for second best

Dear Counsellor:

Recently I had a quarrel with a friend of mine. A six-month-old relationship had ended and I was sharing with her that the relationship had ended and the reasons, and she said that I was the one at fault because it seems like I am looking for the perfect man and if I continued like that I would end up an old spinster. There are times when I know that I am hard on men but I believe that I should not settle for second best.

- Dianne

Dear Dianne:

I do not encourage anyone to settle for second best. However, you need to make sure that you are not searching for all the faults instead of looking for the good. We will always find what we are looking for. And would you consider yourself without faults? Remember there are no perfect persons.

Your friend may be aware of your faults and may not be pleased that you are so hard on others when your faults abound. Sometimes others will see our faults quicker than we can. It would be good to ask your friend and other friends to point out the faults they find in you and if they perceive you as always looking for faults in persons. Added to that, this begs the question, why are you hard on men? Are you punishing a present male for the sins of a past male?

It would be good to do a post mortem on your past relationships to see how they ended and how you might in any way have contributed to their demise. It is an insane person who keeps doing the same things expecting different results.

Ivret Williams is a counselling psychologist. Email her: letstalkrelationshipsyahoo.com or fax: 922-6223.