Keisha Shakespeare-Blackmore, Staff Reporter

Divorce may be considered one of the most difficult issues in a child's life. However, the effects are different depending on the child's gender, age and stage of development.

Many Jamaicans are in common-law relationships, therefore many children will never experience divorce. But separation also has the same effect on them. During or after a divorce or separation, a child may feel his world, security and stability are falling apart.

Clinical psychologist Dr. Ashlie McFarlane points out that children may respond to divorce or separation with feelings of sadness, anxiety, or anger. "These feelings may result in social withdrawal, aggressive behaviour, social failure, or other behaviours," she added.

Divorce or separation for parents may be the end to an unhappy and unfulfilling relationship. However, the child may feel like he's losing a parent, therefore helping him to adjust is important. Dr. McFarlane advises parents to talk to children about their feelings. Also to reassure them that they are loved and that the divorce is not their fault. And most importantly, not to allow them to witness ongoing anger or hostility between them.

Approaching the situation:

Dr. McFarlane gives pointers on how to approach a divorce with a child:

Tell the child about divorce. Once you are certain of your plans, talk about your decision. Although there is no easy way to break the news, both parents should be present. Feelings of anger, guilt, or blame should be left out of the conversation. Though discussion should be tailored to the child's age and development, the same basic message must be achieved: Letting him or her know that despite the separation, you will always be his or her parents and will always love and care for him or her.

Tell the child he is not to be blamed for the break-up. Children tend to blame themselves for the failure of their parents' marriages, and they need to be reminded frequently that it is not their fault.

Remember, children do not need to know all the details. All they need to clearly understand is that though they (parents) are separating it does not mean parents are divorcing them.

Children's concerns about divorce:

Often during a divorce children have a lot of questions that concern them, such as:

1. Who will I live with?

2. Will I have to move?

3. Where will mommy or daddy live?

4. Will I go to a new school?

5. Will I still get to see my friends?

How to Cope:

Dr. McFarlane gives divorcés tips on how they can help their children cope.

With time and good support, most children can make a healthy adjustment to divorce. However, if their behaviour continues to concern you, consult a therapist for guidance.

Help them put their feelings into words. Their behaviour can often indicate when they are sad or angry.

Let them voice their emotions and help them to label them, without trying to change their emotions or explain them away.

Be a good listener even if it is hard for you to hear.

Legitimise their feelings. Say things such as "I know it feels like the pain will never go away but it will."

It is important to encourage children to get it all out before you start offering ways to make it better.

Offer support, ask: "What do you think will help you feel better?" They might not be able to tell you what would, but you can suggest a few ideas. Maybe you could sit together for a while, take a walk, or hold a favourite stuffed animal. Younger children might especially appreciate an offer to call daddy on the phone or to make a picture to give to mommy when she comes at the end of the day.