Ivret Williams

Dear Counsellor:

Hello and good day. I read your column whenever I see it in The Gleaner. I have a problem and need your advice. I am living in U.S.A., but before I came to live here from Jamaica I was friendly with a man in Jamaica. After 18 years we met up again and became friends. I am single and he is living and seeing a girl in Jamaica. He told me there is nothing serious going on between them. Right now, he is here in the U.S. spending a month with me. I spoke to him about his intentions but he said he is going back to Jamaica. Then he will call and let me know what he has decided to do because he has a job there and has been working at this job for 20 years. I am 46 and he is 43 so I told him I am not going to sit around and wait for him. He is not taking this well. I really like this person and I know he likes me; also his entire family thinks we would be happy together. My problem is that I am getting older each day and do not want to waste time. Please advise.

- Sonia

Dear Sonia:

The shortage of good men has caused some women to feel like pawns in a relationship, becoming subject to the whims and fancies of the man. I hope that you have not put your life 'in limbo' waiting on a decision from this man because based on what I have seen of some relationships, some persons remain in limbo for life.

Could that have been the reason you broke up 18 years ago? At the time you might have wanted to 'settle down' but he was not prepared to make certain decisions. And so you parted company. After 18 years you have gotten back together maybe thinking that now you are both older and wiser, so things may be better. Sonia, sad to say, sometimes the same roadblocks that faced you years ago may resurface. The simple reason is that people do not change 'just like that'. Change is not spontaneous or automatic; it takes self-discipline and effort. Anyway, the fact that you still found each other attractive answers the question that the separation might have been amicable.

You had 18 years when he was not in your life, what were you doing with your life during that time? Were you sitting down waiting for someone to come and 'rescue' you from your life of singleness and boredom? I hope not! Also, at 43 he must have had a life.

However, the fact that you mention your age is telling me that you might be feeling pressured to 'settle down' and unfortunately you may transfer this pressure to him. Liking him or being liked by him or the fact that his family thinks you would be happy together is not a formula for a happy marriage.

My advice is that you give him a certain time to respond to you with respect to his intentions. It is important for you to tell him what you want from him and the relationship and hear from him what he wants from you and from the relationship. It is obvious that you know what you want. At his age he would have experienced life and he should know what he wants.

My wife does not like my family

Dear Counsellor:

I got married three months ago and I am regretting every moment of it. I did not know that the woman was so selfish. All she is interested in is herself and her family. She wants her family to come to visit but whenever my family comes to visit she pouts and makes them feel very uncomfortable. My family is aware and some of them have decided not to come back to my house. This makes me sad because I belong to a closely knit family. Your advice please.

- Kirk.

Dear Kirk:

One expects some of the 'sheen' to rub off after the wedding, but your sheen has rubbed off too quickly. Your spouse might have been attracted to you because you had what she never had, a closely-knit family. However, having joined the family, she possibly cannot deal with the closeness and it has become repulsive to her. I would advise that you both should go and see a counsellor.

Ivret Williams is a counselling psychiatrist. Email her: letstalkrelationships@yahoo.com; for fax: 922-6223