Wendel Abel

Lenora has not spoken to her ex-husband for years. "I have not been able to forgive him. He cheated on me."

Monica refuses to speak to brother. "He hurt me. I just don't seem to be able to get beyond the pain."

Here's another case: "I go to church every Sunday. I see her. I would like to make up with her. It is difficult."

Are you in malice with someone or have you found it difficult to forgive? Do you want to forgive, repair the relationship, heal the wounds and move on?

Here are the steps:

1. Examine the situation. What exactly happened? State the issues clearly. Try to identify the problem. Avoid getting personal.

2. Identify the issues. What is causing these feelings? Is it an action on the part of the other person? Is it something an individual said or did?

"For me, my boyfriend dumped me. I was devastated. I felt humiliated. I felt rejected," reported Lenora.

Monica was having feelings of anger toward her brother. She felt betrayed by him. These feelings were consuming her, but she never had an opportunity to express them.

3. Examine and explore the feelings you have when you think of the situation or the individual. What feelings do you have? Is it anger? Is it a feeling of hurt or pain?

4. Accept your feelings, they are real. Remember cars run on fuel, humans run on feelings. Remember you have a right to your feelings! These feelings are real and they are yours. Do not feel guilty about the way you feel. At the same time do not bottle these feelings; they will eat away at you.

5. The importance of expressing feelings. If you do not resolve feelings they will eat you away, make you bitter and add to your unhappiness. Learn to express your feelings.

6. How to express feelings. This is the difficult part and many persons have great difficulty expressing feelings. Many of us never developed the ability to express feelings. Having identified your feelings express them by saying.

"I felt sad when you spoke to me loudly." "I feel betrayed because you cheated on me."

Notice we always express feelings by using " I feel" This is called the "I Message". Whenever you are overcome by feelings never attack the other person, express how you feel.

7. The moment of truth and reconciliation. Truth and reconciliation is important. Stating the truth facilitates reconciliation. It helps you to move on. Now try to express these feelings to a person who might have done you wrong. You may do so by calling them or writing a note. Remember, express your feelings, do not attack the person.

Think of the opportunities lost everyday and the friendships sacrificed by not being able to address your issues and feelings. Start expressing your feelings in a mature manner and experience improvement in your personal relationships, your work activities and greater success in life.

Dr. Wendel Abel is a consultant psychiatrist and senior lecturer, University of the West Indies; email: yourhealth@gleanerjm.com.