Dear Counsellor:

I ended a relationship three months ago. Although I am dating someone else occasionally, I find that I am still thinking about the past relationship even when I am with this new person. How can I get this person out of my head?

- Rohan

Dear Rohan:

Is this new person a replacement? What happened in the other relationship? Who walked out? Did you enter this new relationship to ease the pain from the old? When you are thinking about the other person, what are the thoughts? Do you find yourself comparing the new person with the old? Do you feel that you lost something good?

Some persons enter a new relationship still feeling attracted to a former lover or still feeling angry with him or her. These residual emotions will colour the new relationship because how you behave in the new relationship will be informed by what you bring from the past. Depending on how much investment (physical, emotional, financial) you had made, you may choose to short-change the new relationship.

Rohan, it is necessary for you to separate the past from the present by closing the door on the past relationship before venturing on to a new relationship. I must say that three months is not enough time for you to cleanse yourself of the effects of the past. You may even be regretting the loss of this person. This loss may be due in part to mistakes on your part. If you can rekindle the fire, you could try. If it cannot be done, then remind yourself that the relationship is over and move on.

It may not be easy to forget the other person "just like that". Even if the relationship had not been a pleasant one, memories would still linger. However, it is important for you to look ahead; you cannot live your life looking in the rear-view mirror.

Dear Counsellor:

I am 45 years old and although I am very involved in my church and I have a good job, I am a lonely person. This is not something that I have shared with anyone, but sometimes it makes me feel depressed.

I thought I would have been married by now with a family, but this has not worked out. I have tried different things to get over my loneliness, but I still feel lonely. What can I do?

- Sophia

Dear Sophia:

As you have discovered, a good job and your church involvement will not ease loneliness. They may cure social loneliness, but won't cure emotional loneliness.

Emotional loneliness is the absence of a close personal relationship. This is having a friend with whom you can share with "from the heart".

You may have had some close friends (emotional objects), and these relationships might have ended leaving a void in your life. It is necessary for those emotional objects to be replaced with new objects (relationships).

You mention that you thought you would have been married and already with a family. Has that been a dream that you fear may not come to pass?

Some persons spend their lives looking for love instead of living. I invite you to be honest with yourself and answer the following questions. What is your greatest need? Why are you so involved in church? Is it to keep active, or is it to find someone?

Our needs will drive our behaviour. If your greatest need is to be married, then all your activities will be covertly or overtly centred around that need. And with each passing day, your loneliness will turn to frustration as you realise that your efforts are not bearing any fruits.

Sophia, take a good look at your personality and your activities and see if those factors may be fuelling your loneliness.