Veronica Carnegie, Contributor

Dear Pastor, first time calling."

"You sure about that?"

"Yes, sir."

"How can I help you?"

"Don"t you believe mosquitoes spread AIDS?"

"No."

"Then what about malaria?"

"I hear doctors and health care workers say mosquitoes do not spread AIDS, Mister."

"I think they do, Dear Pastor."

"I believe you called last week about this same thing. Do you have AIDS, sir?"

"I"m calling for a friend."

"Tell him to get to a doctor. I feel you're talking about yourself. This is the second time you're calling about mosquitoes as carriers. Have you told your wife?"

'No, Dear Pastor, I can't tell her."

"What you mean? You have to tell her. She needs to get to a doctor. You know who you slept with? Who gave you the disease?"

"I'm not sure, Dear Pastor."

"Caller, please give the lovely Miss Evelyn your number. I'll talk with you after the show. 555-6969, 555-4545, and, toll free, 999-222-9999, hello!"

"Hello, Dear Pastor!"

"Don't shout, my dear. How are you today?"

"You recognise my voice, Dear Pastor?"

"Of course. My friend from Maggotty. What's happening?"

"Well, my dear pastor, I found out my husband is intimate with a woman 30 years his junior."

"What? Are you sure? Who told you?"

"His sister. She just want me to move on with my life."

"That's easier said than done. Is he still an elder in the church?"

"Yes, Dear Pastor."

"You ask him about it?"

"Yes, but he lies every time. Pastor, I feel disrespect. I feel bad for her husband."

"Forget about her husband and focus on how you're going to deal with this issue."

"Adultery is not a bad thing anymore?"

"Yes, it is wrong. Can you prove that your husband and his married girlfriend committed adultery?"

"Yes, Pastor, especially when I watch the condoms disappear from his socks drawer."

"No, my dear, don't stoop to that level. Leave them to time. Time takes care of cheaters."

"It's my pride, I guess. I never thought this sort of thing would be happening to me. I'm hurt, Dear Pastor, that he is sending his 40-year-old matey to school. He is tutoring her to pass CXC. He pays her exam fees and her hospital bills. He buys her cellphone and phone cards."

"What you saying?"

"Yes, Pastor, he gives her money regularly. The other morning I turned back for my watch and I heard him telling somebody that he can't give any money until the 26th of the month. He asked the person to hold on for a couple of days for the 26th of September. That's his pay day. His voice was soft and nice on his cellphone, which does not work when I'm in the room, Dear Pastor."

"So what you did?"

"I walked back outside, drove away and did without my watch for the day."

"God give you strength to accept what is happening, to plan and move on with your own life. He's paying his woman for services rendered! Let him give her money. It's his money."

"The disrespect has got to me, Dear Pastor, and I feel like finding her husband and getting back every cent from him."

"Forget about disrespect. Don't be foolish. Those two people are lovers. They have bonded without your blessing and again I suggest you leave them alone. Didn't you call me last week about this?"

"Yes, Dear Pastor."

"Then what is the use of asking for advice and you go away and call the woman and make a fool of yourself? You told me she has four children for four different men. You said she was a MP's mistress. You are not in her league, my dear. She is what they call a smooth operator. I suggest you pull out of that situation. Leave them alone. Get back your self-respect. Call me about your next positive level. Bye for now. 555-6969, 555-4545, 999-222-9999, hello!

"Hello, Dear Pastor.

"How can I help you?"

"That woman who jus' call have the man playing cat an' mouse games wid 'ar. She is stupid. If it was me, I kill him. Dear Pastor, she should slay de bugger."

"Caller, don't get carried away. Goodbye. 555-6969, 555-4545 and toll free 999-222-9999, hello."

"Hello, Dear Pastor. First time calling."

"Why? What kept you so long?"

"I just couldn't get through. But I am worse than that woman you just talked to. My husband tells me that he loves me only when I ask him. He never voluntarily tells me."

"So what about that? Some men don't gush that way. Does he show he cares?"

"Yes, Dear Pastor."

"What more you want?"

"I want companionship. He calls the woman every day. I see her cellphone number on the phone bill. He picks her up after work and takes her to some place; I'll soon find out where. Why her husband can't pick her up so mine can come home?"

"I want you to stop fooling yourself. Your husband doesn't love you. You're in bed with a snake, my dear. Do something better with your life. You're sending up your pressure over a man you can't trust. Do you work?"

"I'm not working, Dear Pastor."

"Put the children in their routine and get yourself busy with a course in something you like. The days of moping over wayward husbands are long over. Qualify yourself."

"He said she doesn't belong to his social class and I shouldn't worry, Dear Pastor."

"I bet you my parson's collar he told her the same thing about you. Let me tell you something else, caller: disease is classless. I beg you to be careful, qualify yourself and make your life better. Call my church for an appointment. We'll try to help you. Bye for now. 555-6969, hello! Hello! Hello! Let's take a break."

"Dear Pastor, I called you last week about the girl in my class who cover her belly with her school bag."

"Oh, yes, what happen to her?"

"We told the Principal and she called in her mother. Dear Pastor, she was seven months pregnant and nobody in her house knew about it."

"That can't be true! And you said they live in a small Mona house?"

"It's true Dear Pastor. Her mother works down Duke Street and is busy all the time. Her older sister works at a bank and shares a bedroom with her."

"What! Nobody in the house noticed anything or even became suspicious?"

No, Sir. Her family is vexed with her, though."

"What about her exams?"

"She will come to school for exams. She doesn't have to wear the uniform."

"They wouldn't fit her anyway. Where's the boy?"

"She doesn't talk to him, Dear Pastor. She said he drugged her at her cousin's slumber party. She hang up the phone every time he calls her."

"Caller, if you are her friend, don't tell her story on radio. I want you to call me at the church and tell me how she's coping. I want you to help her. OK, my dear?"

"Ok, Pastor."

"Help her to get to a family counsellor; and you, be careful. Bye."

"Hello, Dear Pastor, yu know how long I try to get yu?"

"Well, you got through. How are you?"

"Fair to fine. The crime scene here is getting to me and it seems as if the government don't know what to do about it. I'm glad you're discussing violence tonight."

"I groan for my country, dear lady. I can't believe 1,500 men, women and children have been murdered in seven months. We have to pray."

"No, Pastor, dat's not enough. Yu know dey call Jamaica, 'murder capital?' I 'ave to tell you what I saw las' night."

"Don't call names, you know."

"No names, Pastor. I peep troo de window when I 'eard a vehicle pull up. I saw a dark-colour van. Men and boys rush up to the open back doors and a man 'anded out guns. My neighbour's ten-year-old son run wid one to him uncle."

"You saw that last night?"

"Yes, Dear Pastor, as de sun shineth. De uncle took the gun from de little boy and walk back into the 'ouse. De chile ran to the van and get anoder gun."

"Holy Father! You should call the police, madam."

"Yu mad, Dear Pastor? Yu want me dead? I want you to know dat dis violent t'ing is bigger dan prayer an' church."

"What? I rebuke you. Take that back. Nothing is bigger than prayer. Take care of yourself. 555-6969, hello!

Dear Pastor, I'm calling you to tell you what happened to my neighbours.

"First time calling?"

"Yes. I won't tell you where I'm calling from. My neighbour just turned 70 and she got a telephone call from a long-time friend. She carried on for days, for Ida sat beside her in elementary school, Ida walked the three miles from and to home, daily, and Ida this and Ida that. Ida reminded my neighbour how eternally grateful she was to her family for feeding her and her brothers when they had no food. She made several calls to my neighbour and promised to send her a barrel.

"But that's good, caller."

"Yes, Dear Pastor. The barrel came and my neighbour and her husband went themselves to the wharf to clear it. They told me it was a torture and they had to pay at every turn. The husband grumbled and said neither the trip to the Queen's Warehouse nor the contents in the barrel, as far as he saw, was worth their effort. We rolled the barrel to the living room and talked about packing out the things the following day. They were exhausted. Before we knew what was happening, three gunmen rushed into the room, cut open the barrel with a butcher's knife and littered the room. They cut the soap box, emptied it and took out a gun. They ripped the rice bag, scattered the rice grains wherever, and took out a gun. Even the box of oats had a gun. They knew what packages to slice open. They left with seven guns."

"Holy Father, did they hurt anybody?"

"No. That's why I can be talking to you today. When my neighbour fainted, we tried to revive her. We huddled over her. The gunmen left without harming us. One of them said they'd finish us if we called the police."

"What an experience. Did you call the police?"

"Yes. More neighbours came, cleaned up the mess, a mixture of sugar, soap, rice, cornflakes, oats, hominy grits, dumped everything on the clothing, shoes and whatever else was in it, and rolled the barrel out on the street."

"What happened to your neighbour and her husband? They must have been terrified."

"Yes, Pastor. Their children relocated them and the house is now up for sale. Ida, the criminal, cannot be found, not even by Interpol."

"Thank you, caller, for alerting us. This is frightening. God bless you! Let's take another toll free. 999-222-9999, hello!"

"Yes, Dear Pastor. Herbie an' me live togeder fo' fifteen years."

"Please, lady, don't call names."

"Ok, Dear Pastor. Him tek sick de oder day an' I was very worried."

"The law takes care of you, you know. You will benefit as a common-law wife."

"Me don't want dat, sir. I don"t want to read in de newspapers dat Herbie died leaving 'dear friend' Gloria. I want him to leave a wife."

"What's wrong with leaving 'dear friend' or 'good friend'?"

"I never like it, Dear Pastor. Every time I read it in the death column, I vex."

"Then why you live a sweetheart, common-law life?"

"I know him goin' to leave me

as "dear wife"."

"Good luck, my dear. Call me after the wedding. 555-4545, 555-6969, hello!

"Dear Pastor, yu don"t see where the British High Commissioner arrive in Jamaica with his sweetheart? The man arrive to take up official duties with his girlfriend and the newspapers say he came with his partner. Pastor, I grew up in Maranatha Gospel Hall when everything British was very proper. Harold Wildish and his team from Britain were proper and stiff and righteous."

"What you fussing about, lady?"

"Those preachers would turn in their graves to see the British High Commissioner arrive for formal duties, photographed with his partner. I just hear you ask a woman why she live a common law life."

"It is an acceptable way of life these days, my dear. I read where Prince Charles lived with his sweetheart in one of the palaces. His son, Prince William, lives with his girlfriend in another palace. We have come a long way from fairy tales and wonderland."

"What a thing, Dear Pastor! Once upon a time we would look down on people who shack up and we would call the woman "concubine". Now we call her "partner". But it"s shack up just the same."

"What is your problem, caller?"

"I want my children to see marriage as a good thing for the family."

"Feel free to preach it to them. God bless you. Bye. 555-4545, hello!"

"Hello, my friend from Sav?"

"Yes, Dear Pastor."

"How you doing?"

"OK, in a way. I"m not sticking to your topic, tonight."

"Feel free, my dear."

"Pastor, my husband went on business to Miami for a week. He took his girlfriend."

"How you know that?"

"I found the ticket stubs. I called the hotel, told them I"d left my special eye-glasses in my room. They gave me the room number where I stayed and promised to make another check as nothing like that was brought to the front desk. The wretch used my name."

"Woman, stop searching the man. Listen to me. You are not to search the man."

"I have to search him, Dear Pastor. He is such a liar."

"How long you married, my dear?"

"Twenty years and three children."

"Why don"t you leave him? Life is too beautiful to live like that. You"re nothing but a watchman. Every time you call about the same thing."

"That"s true, Dear Pastor."

"You have got to find a way out of your situation, darling. I know you are hurting but get over him. Call me on a more positive note. 555-4545, hello!"

Dear Pastor, my aunt is ill. She has diabetes, high blood pressure and nerves."

"Get her to a good doctor."

"She has one. But I am angry that every month she sends 25 to 50 US dollars to a religious group in America. For fifteen years she send them money. They send her prayer cloth, prayer button, prayer pill. They promise healing. But Pastor, she is very sick. She is a shuffling medicine cabinet."

"Do the overseas people telephone or visit her?"

"No. Last year her husband died and instead of sending her money to help with the funeral, they mail her membership card for their Deceased Club."

"What yu saying?"

"Pastor, she have to send more money to belong to the Deceased Club. They promise special prayer for her husband and other dead relatives."

"What a shame, and she needs the money."

"Yes, Pastor. Yesterday she gave me the envelope to post. I tore it open, took out the US$50 and filled her prescription. The government should do something about these foreign crooks."

"Well, you keep your eyes open and your head steady. Be a good caregiver. Bye. 555-6969, 555-4545, 999-222-9999, hello!"

"Dear Pastor, how are you."

"I"m blessed. You again? What"s happening?"

"I got her telephone number and address."

"Why yu call? I tell you again; you weaken your case when you call the other woman."

"It"s the lies, Dear Pastor. I just couldn"t sit and have them make a poppy show of me."

"Don"t call the woman!"

"Pastor, I ask her if she knows the meaning of the word adultery. I threatened to tell her husband what and who she"s messing with."

"So what happened?"

"I heard they made a joke of it and me. He told her how he admire her and she mimicked me. Pastor, she sent a message with him to ask me what I call her for. Can you imagine her brass?"

"Serves you right. I say it again. Stop calling the woman and do not use your daughter to call her either."

"I couldn"t help it, Dear Pastor. I still love him."

"How sick! When she told your husband you called her, did he defend you?"

"No, he defended her. He cussed me out."

"You gave them your power. You sound like an older woman who should know when two people have bonded. Leave them!"

"I can"t afford this lifestyle on my own."

"You"re self-destructive. What a choice. Your sanity or your lifestyle, ma"am? Make up your mind. Let me take another call. 555-4545, hello!"

"Pastor, I work like a dog to support my son. I pay his school fees an" exam fees and now him have eight subjects."

"That"s good, my brother. Where"s his mother?"

"She leave me long time. She live in de States."

"Does she know how well her son is doing?"

"Yes, Pastor, I send his reports."

"Where do you work?"

"At the college. I"m a grounds man on de campus. My son is going to do medicine."

"Congratulation. I hope other fathers are listening."

"But Pastor, dis bright, dry-eye gal turn up an" hang outside, two nights, when my son doin" him homework. She say she love mi son."

"Why you call her "gal"? That"s disrespectful."

"She is a gal, sir. I run her from the house corner. I tell her she can come back when she get some subjects. She have no subjects, Dear Pastor. My son is going toÉ"

"Hello! I lost that caller. His cell phone ran out of credit? Toll free 999-222-9999, hello!"

Dear Pastor, yu give those foolish people to" much time."

"What you have to say, my brother?"

"I t"ink de caller before dis las" one should fin" somebody else. I t"ink "er husban" is a dawg.."

"We don"t call people names on this show. Where you calling from? What you have to tell us tonight?"

"St.Thomas, Dear Pastor. About dat sex t"ing. I t"ink dat sex at night is better dan sex in de day. De woman dem relax better in de night.

"How many women you have, sir?"

"Only two, Dear Pastor."

"What job you do?"

"Ah not working now, Dear Pastor."

"You married?"

"No, Dear Pastor. No woman gwey put rope roun" my neck."

"You need counselling, my man. Call Church By The Wayside and set up an appointment. Bye. 999-222-9999, 555-4545, 555 - 6969, hello! Nobody here? Let"s take a break.

"Hello! This is Dear Pastor."

"Hello, Dear Pastor."

"Hello! You have a young voice. Where you calling from?"

"I"m twelve, Dear Pastor. I"m calling from Black River."

"Your parents know you"re calling this show?"

"No, sir. I want to tell you something."

"What is it, my dear?"

"Pastor, my mother is cheating on my father."

"How you know that? You sure about this?"

"Yes, Pastor, Uncle Pete is right here, in her room, and my father is at work."

"Put her on the phone."

"Hold on. Mummy! Mummy! Dear Pastor want to talk to you. Dear Pastor, she not coming to the phone."

"Ok. I want you to give your number off the air and we will try to contact your mother tomorrow. Have you done your homework?"

"Yes, sir."

"It"s now nearly midnight, little one. I want you to go to bed and have a good sleep. Leave everything to me."

"Thank you, Dear Pastor. Good night."

"Good night, Dear Pastor."

"My dear, it"s you again?"

"Yes, Dear Pastor."

"How are things?"

"I"m not sure. You will not be pleased with me, though."

"Don"t tell me you got on the phone and call that woman again. Look how I begged you to let them go!"

"No, Dear Pastor. I caught them in a friend"s apartment. I took off my shoe and konk her in her head. They searched for their clothes as I sailed them one by one through a fifth floor window. Then I screamed until the security guards came."

"But you should have hit your husband! What yu attack the woman for? Why women like you call for advice and then go away and do your own silly thing? I ask you again, why yu don"t leave the man? This has been his pattern over the years, from what you tell me."

"I helped to build him up, Dear Pastor. He didn"t have a cent when we married. I can"t give him up like that. He owes me."

"Madam, get a life. Goodbye."

"Hello, Dear Pastor."

"What!"

"Michael Mitchell is going to."

"We don"t call names on this show. Bye. You need counselling. 555-4545, hello."

"Dear Pastor, I have to talk to you."

"What is it? How old are you?"

"Fifteen."

"Your parents know you"re calling me?"

"My mother is not here. She"s in New York. She"s an I.C.I."

"Where is your father?"

"He lives in another house."

"Who is in charge?"

"Our helper. She"s a big lady."

"How can I help you, son? Speak up."

"I came home from school and saw my brother having sex with the helper. I went back down the road."

"What? How old is your brother?

"Seventeen. And they were in her room. And when they were finished she gave him a cigarette. Mummy doesn"t want us to smoke. Pastor, I want to call my mother. She has to come back now."

"Did they see you?"

"No."

"Where are you now?"

"Down the road."

"Any more children in the house?"

"Yes, Pastor, my little sister. She"s seven."

"I want you to go home, have your dinner, do your homework. I know it"s going to be difficult for you but try not to say anything to them. Tell your mother when she comes back. Let her deal with that matter. What a shame. Give us your number off the air. Someone will get in touch with you. Goodnight, my son."

"Dear Pastor here. How can I help you?"

"I am a wounded mother, tonight, Dear Pastor. I asked my 20-year-old brother to walk my little daughter one street away to school."

"How old is she? Why didn"t you take her yourself?"

"Pastor, the streets are dangerous and I didn"t want her out there alone. I bring my brother in from the country to find work and since he leave out later, my husband and I would set out early and beat the traffic."

"So what happened, my sister?"

"The school called my husband to say the nurse was taking our daughter to Children"s and could we meet them there. Our daughter didn"t smell good and had sperm on her clothes. She was sexually molested, Dear Pastor."

"What a shame. That young man needs to be counselled."

"That is if he lives, Dear Pastor. My brother is running for his life. My husband and his brothers are after him with machetes."

"Lord, have mercy! I hope the police get to him before your husband does. Did you call your minister, my dear?"

No, sir. Oh God! And my husband says when he comes back, he"s going to take our daughter from me, to live with his mother in the country. He says my family is dirty. That"s not right, Dear Pastor."

"He can"t do that. You should go right away to the Women"s Bureau andÉOh dear, we"ve lost her. Did you hear the hurt in that mother"s voice? Lady, please call me back. Let"s take a break."

"Hello! Hello! This is Dear Pastor."

"Sir, the children of this country are in trouble. I groan every time I feel their pain. Predators are everywhere and we have to protect them. I am a retired teacher and I have opened a healing home."

"I know we can"t keep a good woman down. Isn"t this Mrs. Sylvia Darby? I know your voice. Tell us more about this new project."

"It"s The Silver Shelter. It"s for very special children and young people."

"Why the suspense?"

"Dear Pastor, it"s for children of incest. I have watched these children suffer. Some find out early, some late. I have had to coax them to success. A few were suicidal. Two of the recent deportees to my area are drug addicts. I know them well. One was born to a sister and brother from Apple Valley and the other one"s grandfather is also his father. Who he thought was his dear big sister turned out to be his mother."

"Is it as bad as you say? When they find out, do they all react violently?"

"Yes, Pastor. Most times, except in the suicide cases. But the silent code in the average family is deeper and more serious than that of the lodge. I can talk now. My confidence is high and my parents are dead. I am the product of a mother and her son. I never knew until I was about to get married at age thirty. I took to my bed, for days. A mature husband helped me to live with that knowledge."

"Father in heaven, we are so busy ignoring this issue. My church has not paid much attention to the children of incest. Oh Lord, I almost forgot about them and their pain. Our society can be cruel, you know?"

"Tell me about it. I have met the bruised products of stepfather and stepdaughter, uncle and niece, aunt and nephew, stepmother and stepson."

"Holy Father, have mercy on us and help us to protect our children more. My sister, may you get strength to build this Silver Shelter. Leave your number with us. Bless you. 555-4545. Hello!