Ivret Williams

Dear Counsellor:

My boyfriend and I have been having problems for quite a while now, and I see our relationship spiralling downwards. I have asked him to let us go for counselling, but he says that there is nothing wrong with him. I won't even begin to tell you some of things I see wrong with him. He said that I should be the one going for counselling. I have gone and I have taken the advice the counsellor has given me, but he needs to go and will not. What should I do? We have two children together.

- Sandra

Dear Sandra:

Unfortunately, in our culture persons are not open to counselling. The act of going to counselling is seen as having something wrong with you. It is ironic that persons will go to the doctor if they are ill but will refrain from getting professional help if they are having psychological problems. Sandra, you may go to the counsellor every day of the week for the rest of the year but it may not necessarily mean that the situation will be better, because it takes two to make a relationship work. If he does not see that what he is doing is wrong then he will have no desire to change. And his 'male ego' may stand in the way of him getting help. If there is a close friend that he trusts you could share the problem and ask the person to talk to him. Good luck.

Hurt to the core

Dear Counsellor:

I do not know if I am making a big issue out of this, but two weeks ago my wife told me in an argument that I was stressing her out. I was hurt to the core, as I thought I was being a good husband and father. She realised how offended I was, and started to apologise, and since then have wanted us to talk about it, but I am not in the mood to talk. I have never cheated on her and I carry most of the financial burdens of the home, so I cannot see how she could say that I am stressing her out. I may be asking a silly question, but how could I be stressing her out, when in my mind I am being a good and faithful husband?

- Richard

Dear Richard:

Being a faithful husband and 'bringing home the dough' does not mean that there will not be stressful moments in the home. Disagreements represent a key source of stress between husbands and wives. One disagreement could be about how to discipline the children. We many times parent according to how we were parented, and that would mean how we were disciplined. There could also be disagreement about how the money is being spent. There may be things that you buy that your wife may consider to be a waste of money; she may see other things as being more important.

To provide for your family financially, it may mean that you are constantly coming in late or when you come home you do not 'lift a finger' to help in the house. This can be quite stressful if your wife also works and there is not a helper in the house. Added to that, do you leave important decisions up to her? Most women want their men to be the leader of the home and to take the initiative in the decision-making process. If all this is left up to the wife, then it can be quite stressful, especially if she fears that in the event of a mistake she will be blamed for it.

Ivret Williams is a counselling psychologist. Email her: letslalkrelationships@yahoo.com