Nashauna Drummond, Staff Reporter

"I'll take this to my grave" is the popular stance on their deep dark secrets. But for some, to tell or not to tell is still an issue. "Tell," is the advice of family therapist Kevin Bailey, especially if that relationship is headed to marriage.

"As much as possible, you should tell before you get married. When you keep the secret, your partner is not marrying the true you." He explained that when entering marriage, individuals are supposed to be as transparent as possible, "... so the other person knows the real you. You should unmask to be loved for who you are not who they think you are."

What to tell

Bailey explains that some cases like an abortion or sexually transmitted infections may have future repercussions and should be revealed. He explains that there is no need to go into all the gory details but your partner should be informed.

"If you've had a homosexual or bisexual encounter they may resurface. However, if the person really loves you, he/she will love you - warts and all. You want a relationship built on trust. Relationships should be built on trust and transparency.

Bailey also cautioned that how secrets are revealed is also important and professional assistance may be needed in the revelation.

Tell if you:

had an abortion

had a homosexual or bisexual encounter

had children

were raped

Does it help?

"It strengthens the relationship, giving the person confidence in you and it builds trust which is essential. For those who refuse to move on, it's a test of their love; it's about the degree of pain and willingness we are willing to endure. It's better to endure pain now than in the future, as sometimes people are trying to avoid legitimate pain."

He notes that for those who end the relationship, then that just reveals a side of them that you never knew existed. "That person does not deserve your love, they are not willing to respect your courage. It will hurt but if the love is true, it's long-suffering."

Benefits

Sometimes strengthens the relationship.

Provides an opening for someone deserving of your love.

Bailey cautions that secrets have a way of coming to light 10 or 20 years later. "Dark secrets are dangerous. They become harder to keep and you're in agony. There is no taking them to your grave."

Bailey advises: "If you don't tell, then life will not have the richness and intimacy you would really enjoy with a partner. There will always be a gnawing feeling inside."

Even if the relationship is not immediately headed for marriage, a certain amount of unmasking is necessary so the person can know if you are the one.