Ivret Williams

Dear Counsellor:

I have been married for 13 years and my husband cheated on me for most of the 13 years. He loved to buy prostitutes. In 2003, he had a relationship with a girl 30 years his junior and when I found out he stood before the girl and I and told me that he loved the girl and therefore he was going to divorce me.

I begged him not to leave and after getting STD from the girl he decided to return home under the condition that I allow him to bring young girls to the house to spice up our sex life. Every Thursday night, I would go for the girls to spend the night with him and I would take them back home Friday mornings. I used to lie in bed and watch my husband having sex with these girls. I allowed it for a while because I had lost my self-worth and I was desperate and unemployed in a strange country. But one day, I got the courage when he asked me to pick them up I told him no, I would not do it. Since then he has not done it, and he apologised for hurting me.

Everyday the events play over in my head and now I cannot have a sexual relationship with my husband. I don't allow him to hug, or kiss me. I know that I have grown disinterested in us because last year I started to have a relationship outside. I don't think my husband suspects me. I know if did not have children and if I was brave enough I would leave my husband. What can I do?

- Misty

Dear Misty:

The things you have mentioned in your letter are quite sad. I find the situation quite appalling. Your husband has been unfaithful from the beginning of the relationship which would have destroyed the sacredness and trust in the relationship.

Misty, before you try to save a marriage, see a counsellor and try to 'save Misty'. Misty deserves a life. After you have sorted out Misty, then maybe you can try to 'save the marriage'. Right now you may be so emotionally traumatised that you cannot think clearly. You need someone to help you heal and to help you think clearly. My prayers are with you.

Added to that, he got you to assist with his infidelity. What was he trying to prove by getting you to watch him having sex with these girls? Was it to turn you on? I guess one could say that at that point you were doing everything to 'save your marriage' because of the presence of the children. Also you were unemployed and feeling helpless in a strange country. This therefore begs the question, are you any more independent that you were before? If you are still dependent on your spouse then the possibility is there that the past may come back to life. Granted one must admit that the past is still present with you. It still influences your behaviour. Right now you are repulsed by him, resulting in you not even wanting him to touch you.

There was a time when the power was in your hand but you were unaware. When he wanted to return home he negotiated his way back in with a sexually transmitted disease and with you picking up the girls for him. This was an ideal opportunity for you to have stood your ground. However you gave away your power for the 'sake of the children'. Is there any hope that this marriage can be saved? It takes two to make a marriage work. Do you think your husband wants a 'marriage'? Is he even aware of what a marriage is? It is obvious that your values are totally different and he obviously does not have any regard or respect for the institution of marriage and the family. You mentioned that he has apologised for hurting you. However having apologized do you see a change of behaviour? Misty, if his lifestyle has not changed then there is the possibility that you could be gifted with any sexually transmitted disease.