Yvonnie Bailey- Davidson

Dear Counsellor:

I am married with two children, a boy eight and a girl, 16. My problem is that my husband does not pay enough attention to our son. My son looks on his father as his role model and would like to do certain activities with him. My husband is always busy or tired and keeps making promises to our son. I am afraid our son is deprived of fatherly interaction and I wonder how this will affect him later on.

- Julie

Dear Julie,

Parenting is a task that many men do not get involved in. We all need role models. Each individual has human's frailties and limitations. Parenting is a job in which individuals lack training and supervision. Many fathers have to be taught parenting and child-rearing skills. This is because many males lack appropriate role models and were not socialised to be good fathers.

You need to encourage your husband to be more active in your son's life. The outcome of good parenting is healthy, well adjusted individuals. Discuss with your husband the implication of his non-involvement. Tell him about the benefits of a father's involvement in a child's life and the disadvantages. In Jamaica, the male population sees children as the concern of women. It is a challenging task but you have to be persistent.

Encourage your husband to allow his son to sit and watch television with him and explain what is being shown. A sport is a good father-son activity. There are other activities you could do which include playing board games. When your husband is in the kitchen you could let him take along his son and teach him how to cook. The father can involve his son in helping him to do household chores. Going to watch a movie can be a father-son activity also. He should help his son with his homework.

Depression in separation

Dear Counsellor:

I have been reading your articles each week and I find them helpful and encouraging. I am having marital problems. My wife and I have been separated for three months now and I am depressed about the situation. I feel like my world is crumbling around me. I need counselling to help me to cope.

- Gerald

Dear Gerald:

I am glad that you find my articles helpful and informative. The main purpose of writing them is to provide useful and encouraging information.

I am sorry to hear of your marital problems. There are problems in many marriages and couples have to try and deal with them. Depression is a sequel to separation and divorce. Individuals have negative thoughts about life and visualise everything as a gloom and doom. Conflicts and the resolution of conflicts are a part of life and are found in all relationships. Individuals have to devise a variety of coping strategies. You did not say what was the cause of your marital problems but the causes are usually multifaceted.

You need to seek the help of a marriage counsellor to help you both sort out the problems. There are certain issues in marriage - trust, commitment, affection, money and activities. Sometimes the solution to the marriage problem is to have a divorce and at others, reconciliation is the answer. Marriage is also about being able to negotiate deals, being long suffering and being able to make sacrifices.

Remember you are two strangers with different backgrounds and a variety of needs. If an individual's needs are not met there will be conflicts and arguments. One needs to know what values and beliefs you will subscribe to so that you can clearly argue your case.

Dr. Yvonnie Bailey-Davidson; 9788602; 791-1778; yvonniebd@hotmail.com.