Ivret Williams

Dear Counsellor:

I am in a steady relationship for almost three years and I must say that this guy is the love of my life. We love and trust each other very much. My problem is this: he is always the listener and I am always the speaker. Whenever I have a problem or a concern he is always there to listen to me and I love that about him, but I want to be a listener too.

Sometimes I wonder if he has a problem and he needs someone to talk to. But how can I be a listener and an adviser if he does not disclose his problems to me? I really want to be there for him whenever he has a problem, to be a good listener and to show him that I care. What can I do or say to have him disclose his problems to me? How can I show him that I care about him and I want to be his listener? Please help me. I desperately wait for an answer from you.

- From your regular reader Sherica

Dear Sherica:

I understand your concern. You would like to know that in the same way that he is helping you to carry your burdens you can be there to help him carry his. Let me say that there are many men who are not talkers; they would prefer to be listeners. Also, there are some who are of the belief that to show any form of emotion is a sign of weakness, so they prefer to carry their load alone and be perceived as being strong even though they may be dying under the load.

Others are of the opinion that women must lean on men and not the other way around. Whatever the reason, we all have problems and, as such, we (men and women) all need someone to lean on.

Your man might have become silent because in his developmental stages he might have been told that "children must be seen and not heard" and that might have stayed with him. Although you say that you love and trust each other, you might be the beneficiary of what went on in a past relationship. He might have confided some personal issues only to have them thrown in his face in a moment of conflict. Currently, he might be confiding in someone who he considers 'safe' (this person may be a family member) leaving him emotionally free to help you carry your load. However, if your relationship is to go to another level then he will have to allow you to see his pain and his scars.

You could start the process by assuring him that you are there for him and that whatever he tells you will be held in the strictest of confidence and will never be used against him in a conflict. It would be best not to ply him with questions as this may turn him off.

Menopause might be affecting my marriage

Dear Counsellor:

I am 45 years old and I got married three years ago. My problem is that I believe that I am experiencing menopause and it is causing problems in the relationship. I am not sure if I am dealing with it well and my husband keeps telling me to go see a counsellor but I do not think I need to see anyone. Do you think that this period in my life could be having a negative effect on my marriage?

- Sandra

Dear Sandra:

You did not say what was happening to you which was affecting the relationship but during menopause some persons experience extreme depression sometimes lasting for months and there may not be anything in the environment that could be causing the depression.

Persons may also cry for no apparent reason. Persons may have a difficulty concentrating or even remembering things. The relationship could be affected because there are sometimes great needs for proof of love and if this is not given the person may feel that the other person is cheating.

This is due to the feelings of low self esteem that sometimes accompany menopause. Whatever your symptoms, it would be good for you to see your doctor who would determine whether or not you need to see a counsellor.

Email Ivret Williams, a counselling psychologist: letstalkrelationships@yahoo.com