This is Part II in our series in which counsellors attached to Family Life Ministries give advice to men on how to keep their marriages intact. We continue with family therapist Kevin Bailey. Openness and honesty can make a difference, he says, as we list more of the things that men can do to heal a marriage which is in a mess:
6. Embark on a programme of openness and honesty
Trust has been destroyed and it is hard work to rebuild such. You have to be transparent. All the sexual or intimate relationships with other persons must be severed. Only one woman must occupy the romantic, passionate and sexual area of your life: your wife.
Openness and honesty build passion and intimacy. Communicate your feelings lovingly to your partner and encourage her to do the same. Do unto her as you would have her do to you. Take her to a favourite hotel or villa, letting her know that she can just enjoy herself and she should just receive your love with no expectations for sex. Play her favourite music and do a wild dance for her. Remember you were once fun to be with. The possibilities are endless. Just do the things you know she will enjoy. How about going shopping with her and helping her to choose an outfit?
7. Be financially prudent
Examine the areas where you have not been a good steward in your finances. Enlist her help, she is not stupid. If she is better at
handling the finances, let her do so. Forget the ego thing - it is one unit - you are on the same side. Together, you can achieve more.
Are you a gambler, alcoholic, drug addict? If so, seek professional help. Are you working? Or are you still waiting for the right job after three years? Do something else in the meantime, while you wait on the perfect job. Your wife will not feel romantic when the bills are not paid. A candlelight dinner might not achieve the desired result if you have failed to pay the electricity bill. The truth is that your wife needs enough money to live comfortably. If you have the ambition, she will be willing to work with you.
8. Regain your place as the family man
Make time to do things as a family. Help with the children - changing diapers, dropping off, picking up, attend PTA meetings. Play with your children. Attend their football and basketball matches as often as you can. Listen to your children so that when they become teenagers they will listen to you. You may have to ask your children to forgive you for not being there for them - do it now. Rebuild the relationships in the family.
9. Evaluate your spiritual status. You are body, soul and spirit
You may have neglected your relationship with God, now is a good time to reconnect. God is a forgiving father waiting for you to return to him. Leave the pigsty and be restored to your heavenly father. Pray together. Remember that a family which prays together stays together.
10. Think differently: Envision a brand new marriage where there
is trust, good communication and commitment.
See a marriage where there is passion and intimacy. Think of a marriage where you are now best friends and loving it. There is laughter, humour, horse playing and great sex. This is a marriage where both persons respect and empower each other - both trying to out-love each other. This is a marriage where both persons are faithful to each other, and because there are imperfections, there is also willingness to forgive.
If you patiently implement all of these strategies, your marriage will soon be the one where the grass looks greener.
Information provided by family therapist and associate of Family Life Ministries, Kevin Bailey.
