Ivret Williams

Dear Counsellor:

I am 18 years old and I am a virgin. My problem is that I have ended two relationships in the past year and I need your advice.

In both relationships the young men wanted a sexual relationship and I told them I was not ready for such a relationship. I told them that I felt that to have sex was a serious step and I was not ready for such a move. I am going to college and I am a Christian. What was disappointing for me was the fact that both young men were professing Christians. They were no different from the non-Christian guys I used to date. I have other Christian friends who have had sex and to them it is 'no big thing'. I believe that sex before marriage is wrong but how do I stay chaste without seeming to be prudish?

- Shanique

Dear Shanique:

The sexual revolution has disfigured the face of sex and sexuality bringing it down to the base level of a normal biological need that can be fulfilled in any way that is 'safe.'

The word abstinence is becoming an outdated word to be ridiculed by the skeptics who feel that as long as it feels good you should do it. In my counselling I have found that many young persons who have gotten involved in sexual activities at an early age have regretted it. For some the regret has been based on the fact that they thought that the relationship would have lasted, only to realise that the relationship ended not long afterward. They felt that having given themselves to this person they 'owned' him. This idea was not embraced by the man as in many cases the girl was seen as another conquest. I encourage young girls to put a value on themselves. If you do not know your value you will 'sell yourself cheap' ending up feeling rejected and a castaway.

There are many Christian young men who are committed to the values of Christianity and will wait to appreciate your 'pearl.' Shanique, you know what you want for your life; let no one steal that dream. Examine the friends that you keep. If your friends are sexually active (even if they profess Christianity), they can somehow break down your resolve.

My husband works non-stop

Dear Counsellor:

I have a problem. My husband works non-stop. I fear for him. He is 45 and he is forever working. Whenever I talk to him about it, he says that he wants his family to be comfortable. I am tired of telling him that we are comfortable, but he continues to work very hard. He has his own business and he will come in late and leave early in the mornings. What can I do?

- Cerita

Dear Cerita:

Let me say that I have no problem with hard work but there must be a balance to life. If as you say you are financially comfortable as a family, then there may be other reasons why your husband is working so hard.

He might have been raised on 'conditional love' which was meted out to him in small potions when he worked hard. Although the dynamics have changed he is still working hard to receive his love potions. Also he might have seen his hard-working father as his hero, so the most natural thing to do is to work hard. Also he may be working that hard because he may be comparing himself to someone else or he is working that hard to reduce his feelings of insecurity and worthlessness. I hate to say this but sometimes it takes something dramatic to 'slow the man down.' I would advise you to express your concerns encouraging him to see a counsellor, as his work habits might have become addictive.

Email Ivret Williams: letstalkrelationships@yahoo.com.