Rosemary Parkinson, Contributor

Left: This duck dish was tasty but overcooked and tough; presentation was horrid.   Right: Delicious wraps stole the show. - Photos by Rosemary Parkinson

Lawd help me! I was happily thinking that the remainder of 2006 would pass without any major restaurant faux pas and then - guests came from Kingston wanting MoBay fare. Having already tried out Nikkita's (disappointing on first visit), Groovy Grouper (disappointing on several visits), The Houseboat (great, but friends had been there the previous week), Coral Cliff (disappointing the last few times), The Pelican (consistent, but we were not wanting home-cooked) and we decided on The Townhouse, now on the Hip Strip. I was looking forward to this particular evening - my first and only visit to The Townhouse was many moons ago. Located on Church Street, it had been pleasant. I figured their new location on the water's edge could be interesting and, believe you me, it was.

Townhouse Special Greetings

Rain poured as we disembarked from the car and entered from the street. We were greeted by quite an enthusiastic young man speaking in a language understood by none of us. We finally deduced the accent was an attempt to indicate his ties to 'foreign'. What part of 'foreign' escaped us totally, however. Leading us into the main restaurant, this young man left us with a hostess behind a reservations podium but not before looking us straight in the eye, exclaiming rather loudly: "You have a good dinner now, yuh hear!" Was this ominous? Or was this just a sort of hint that he expected a tip for finding us this already-found restaurant? We will never know.

The hostess, on the other hand, seemed rather perturbed that we didn't have reservations, although the restaurant was quite empty. Off she disappeared into the bowels of the restaurant before returning to inform us of an impending table. While two waiters began dressing the table across from an area already fully set, 'Madame' joined other members of staff at the bar, leaving us to stand, waiting. No bar for us, mi dears. Not allowed a drink or a seat before dinner, mi dears. Little did we suspect the games had just begun.

Of Menu Subterfuge

Once seated, our waitress began a conversation that went a bit like this: "Are you visitors or locals? Why do I ask? Well because locals and visitors get different menus and then we also have a Ritz menu." "Oh!" said we. "So what is the difference between a local menu, a visitor menu and a Ritz menu?" Unbeknownst to her, as she flitted between bar and table, discussions had already quietly taken place among us - we definitely wanted the Ritz menu. We longed for chic. We desired up-market. We hoped for gourmet. We did not mind paying. The menu for the ritzy was us. But the saga continued:

"Everything depends on if you are visitors or locals or even maybe if you are travel agents." This was getting complicated. "Well we are locals," we chanted, finally giving up our identities. "Locals?" said Madame "Oh! Then I will have to explain something. First, please do not say that there's a difference, although there is. Locals get a local price and visitors a visitor price." Okay, then, then. Can you further enlighten? What about the Ritz menu, we enquired.

Now the elucidation descended into some grey areas but, at the end of it all, we finally got it. This is how it goes: There are two official menus at The Townhouse, both the same in content and quoted in Jamaican dollars. The tourist menu is more expensive than the menu for locals. We must tell no one. The Ritz menu was non-existent at present time but even if it wasn't, would not qualify anyone for a gourmet and expensive dinner. It merely would be a menu designed specifically for Ritz-Carlton Hotel's guests. We just could not bring ourselves (we were laughing so much) to ask how many menus would be required if we were local travel agents married to bus drivers staying at the Ritz-Carlton!

I looked across the room at the few poor unsuspecting tourists paying more for their dinner than we were. Hmmm. I wondered if this practice was normal in MoBay. Personally, I find it very fishy and frankly, immoral. My better judgement says everyone should have the same menu. Apparently (as our waitress went on to rationalise when the ground wouldn't open so that she could fall through), hotel staff, taxis, bus drivers and agents earn a commission for each meal they sell at The Townhouse which is added on to the tourist menu. But surely, say I, this should be counted as operational expenses and not reflected blatantly this way. That's how I see it. But then, again, I am but a mere mortal designated as local.

My yuletide Cheer Depleted

Needless to say, after the excellent appetisers, everything we ordered went downhill from there. Taste was good but everything was overcooked. A message to Townhouse and all other up-market restaurants who insist on keeping this awful plate-design habit: Please stop 'cupping' rice and peas, potatoes/yam, etc. and placing all food 'inna' de plate just so, cookshop-style. Your prices reflect that it should be otherwise. Would it not be far more rewarding to have chef place beautifully-garnished meats on the centre of the plate, with vegetable or tuber accompaniment offered in small side dishes or servers - or is this little extra touch all just too much trouble?

For those of you who might believe that I like to write about such things - no I do not. I would much prefer to dine out without a hitch but another separate attempt has further catapulted me into a morose desire to lock myself away from restaurants.

A Chinese take-out from Dragon Court at Fairview (where I have eaten well in-house) turned into another embarrassing fiasco because of an untrained receiver of orders. Chicken with ginger and scallion came as boiled white meat with no sauce. Salty Garlic Shrimp - no salt, no garlic, just laden with tasteless red soppy batter. Chinese noodles, bare with nothing Chinese on them. Wanton soup and steamed wantons - tasteless. At least all this was recognised by the person in charge after a very irate phone call from me, our money returned with maximum apologies. For that I thank you.

In retrospect, two of us wished we had ordered hamburgers from Burger King as three happy guests had the prudence to do.

Those in the restaurant business must understand that training of staff is of the utmost importance. It makes no sense to blame staff for the inadequacies experienced by diners - owners must look at themselves. Having a restaurant is serious business and requires hands-on attention at all times. First, train yourself and then train staff. Otherwise it just does not work.

"People of Orphalese, you can muffle the drum, and you can loosen the strings of the lyre, but who shall command the skylark not to sing?" The Prophet, Kahlil Gibran.