Anna Kasafi Perkins, Contributor

A nun prays during Christmas morning mass in Banja Luka, Bosnia.

Living Single was the name of a popular black sitcom in the 1990s. Queen Latifah and a couple of single professional women shared an apartment and shared with viewers the fiction of their lives and loves.

Like the characters in other sitcoms such as Girlfriends, these women were anything but single - they were living single in transition as they sought and failed each week to find true love and happiness in the arms of the perfect mate.

We got many a laugh from the missteps and poor choices and outright deceit of these women and their male friends. What was clear, however, was that for them being single was an imposition, not a choice happily embraced for a higher purpose.

It was a sign of failure, an expression of fear, a symbol of the brokenness which men and women experience in their quest at finding happiness.

The experiences of these fictional characters are in numerous ways true for many real people - the depth of who they are called to be involves seeking and being joined with another person in a committed monogamous relationship. It is a fiction to pretend otherwise.

Christianity has always valued - and continues to promote - the committed love relationship as a sign of God's love for human beings and Christ's love for the Church. Fair enough.

But this does raise the question as to whether singleness is a valid choice? Or is it for all an imposition/an undesirable state from which we too seek to escape into the arms of another?

Living singly

This raises a key question for Christians because to be single, i.e., to be unmarried, means that one ought to remain celibate. This is a long-standing and deeply-rooted Christian ideal, which many will argue has been more honoured in the breach. This does not make it less of a fulfilling and meaningful ideal.

If we look around the Christian community, we are greeted by numerous men and women who have made the choice to live single (and celibate) and happily so.

This choice is made with the desire to be fully open to serving others and God. The idea which is very much scriptural is that celibacy opens a person up to all.

Many of these persons are highly visible in the Roman Catholic Church where men and women live vowed lives of poverty, chastity and obedience as religious sisters, brothers and priests.

There are others, too, who live single by choice without 'taking the veil'.

Ridicule and scorn

There is something decidedly counter-cultural about this kind of choice and this is evident in the puzzlement and disbelief which this often elicits. The persons may be ridiculed, their sexual orientation questioned, their fear of the opposite sex presumed.

All of this was graphically illustrated about two months ago when while I was at the airport waiting to be picked up and two of the brothers of the Missionaries of the Poor drove up to collect some volunteers.

The brothers wear a distinctive habit which is a sign of the life they have embraced of giving their all for God and the poor, a distinctively admirable choice in a world where selfishness and self-centredness is the norm. Yet, this was clearly not appreciated or even understood.

A number of taxi men standing by made the most disparaging comments about these men, whom, please note, they did not know personally.

To put what they said in a form that can be printed in a family newspaper, these taxi men ridiculed the possibility of these brothers living lives as celibate men, and questioned the manhood of any man who would choose such a life in the most ribald of terms and graphically suggested what they did with women behind closed doors.

Apart from the sad commentary that their behaviour presented on the nature of public behaviour and good taste, the taxi men illustrate the ignorance and disbelief which dog the lives of many who choose to live celibate lives.

These Catholic brothers, while being distinctive, are not alone. In the Catholic context, their celibacy is a symbol of life lived for the kingdom of God. Men and women outside of the Christian community like Buddhist monks and nuns choose to answer the call to live celibate lives.

Channelling energy

Among Hindu monks, for example, celibacy is the practice of self-mastery and the bliss that is realised in the joy of detachment or letting go.

In the Hindu context, for those whose goal is to reach enlightenment, the ideal is celibacy through which individuals work towards non-indulgence of speech and thought of sex.

In the Yoga tradition, the benefits of celibacy points to the power of the sexual impulse which, if unused, can be converted into strength which can be used for greater devotion that makes one healthier and provides nourishment and vigour to the brain. The discipline of celibacy is not only to be seen only in the religious sphere, where it has a special value.

How many of us know of men and women who faithfully served country to the extent that they do not choose to marry.

I was recently reminded about the many women who worked at building up the nursing profession in Jamaica; these women were so dedicated to that task that they gave up thoughts of spouse and family in order to be totally dedicated to serving the sick and infirm.

My interlocutor moved my heart by telling me stories of nurses in the past who worked assiduously and, when they died, they had saved so much of their small pay they were able to will this back to the hospital for the care of sick.

That takes a certain grace, a certain selflessness, which we do well to recognise and appreciate.

Nowadays, the choice to live for others in this way seems senseless, but as the lives of so many dedicated men and women demonstrate, it can be done and it can be done in a way that is deeply fulfilling and meaningful.

Questioning attitudes

The celibate lifestyle calls into question a lot of what we hold as 'valuable' and 'true' in our society.

Let's consider for a minute. Every human being has sexual drives and urges. Yet, too many of us presume that the sexual drive is so powerful that if it is not given free rein we will go crazy.

Hence, the kinds of sayings that are popular: 'im oil a ride him' or 'she need a man' (often expressed in a less delicate fashion).

We assume that men and women who are single and celibate are eccentric, angry, miserable - and that sex, not necessarily good sex, is the cure all.

Such beliefs have dangerous consequences. Some of these are reflected in the increased incidence of sexual violence against women and children. The belief is that 'man haffi have sex' and if it can't be had willingly, it must be taken.

Male sexual aggression (and female sexual submission) is made out to be a part of the 'laws of nature', and, ultimately, one accepted segment of a broader fabric of violence.

Somehow, obscured in the midst of such attitudes is the devaluing of women and their objectification as vessels and instruments to be used by men. In the same breath, men are dehumanised and portrayed as little less than dogs (apologies to our canine friends). Everyone loses!

Deeper dimension

Christians understand that human sexuality is a gift from God meant to be enjoyed as an honest expression of true love. This means therefore that certain ways of acting and living fundamentally distort the meanings and purpose of sexuality.

To speak about sexuality is to say more than just sexual intercourse, i.e., engaging genitally with another. There is more to the human being than biology, there is more to sexuality than genital activity and the pleasure of orgasm. When we deny or forget this, we reduce sexuality to simply being genital expression and fulfilment largely becomes experiencing the pleasures of sexual contact and orgasm.

To be sexual is far more than simply using our genitals for an occasional act of pleasure, but rather to be affective and social.

We are called to explore the affective social dimension of our humanity in our capacity to relate to others with emotional warmth, deep compassion, and tender affection (all of which are to be embodied in the life of a truly celibate person.)

Our genitals are symbols of this deeper dimension of ourselves. The sexual drive is one that calls us out of ourselves into communion with others. Can we handle that?

Dr. Anna Kasafi Perkins is dean of studies at St. Michael's Theological College. Send feedback on Mind and Spirit to mark.dawes@gleanerjm.com.