Heather Little-White, Ph.D., Contributor
As you list your new year wishes, one of them may be getting your partner to commit to a stable union, or settling on a date for marriage if you are already permanently 'hooked'. Men often get blamed for not committing to the special ladies in their lives. However, women are becoming more difficult in agreeing to marry or settle down with the men in their lives.
In Christine'scase, her fiancé of three years complains that he is tired of proposing. The ring has been bought, the two children they have together are growing as part of a nuclear family unit. Christine has no urgency in getting married and her fiancé cannot get a reason why she does not want to go down the aisle with him. He loves her dearly, but is becoming frustrated that he cannot move to a higher level in the relationship. He is deeply religious and does not really cherish the idea of living together out of wedlock.
What could be the cause of Christine's hesitancy in saying 'yes' to a proposal that so many other women would love to have?
Open communication
An essential ingredient to getting your partner to commit is for both persons to be very clear why they want to be in a permanent union for the rest of their lives. There may be something that is bugging you and you fear commitment to live with this problem for the rest of your life. It means opening the lines of communication. Some basic issues may be preventing you from making the commitment, such as feelings of repulsion in his or her company because of your knowledge of infidelity; disregarding your presence because you have been together for a long time, causing you to feel sad and depressed, or that your partner is spending too much time with work or social/voluntary activities, leaving little time to spend with you. Whatever the issues, these should be aired, with the help of a counsellor, if necessary, to reduce the fear and reluctance to commitment in the relationship.
Analysis
Analysing questions may help you decide if you are at the same levels of readiness to make the commitment to each other. Is your relationship with your current partner a top priority in your life? Do you love your partner unconditionally - even though a commitment may not be forthcoming? Do you believe that you and your partner can handle life challenges as they arise? Do you think that this relationship has what it takes to last a lifetime? How fulfilling do you find the time you spend together? How healthy are your conversations? How amicable do you resolve issues?
Even when you are in a relationship for a long time you have to make sure that you demonstrate love at all times. Anytime one partner feels neglected, this may create resistance to making the commitment. Do not wait for special occasions like Valentine's Day to demonstrate your love. Find creative ways to cater to his/her likes and dislikes.
Creating space
While you may have an intimate bond, you should give your partner some space. There is a common saying that 'Absence makes the heart grow fonder'. Get involved in activities that will take you out of the house or even the country for a reasonable time. You could also further your education to give you space from each other while you study. If you are in your partner's face every day, this could create a feeling of being crowded in and may lead to fear of a future life like this.
While you move about with your friends and co-workers, do not make your partner feel jealous by flirting in front of him or otherwise, so that it leads to rumours. Some partners get insecure about their sexual desirability and their appeal. Do not let your partner feel that others are chasing after you and that he/she should be part of that chase. It is easier for a partner to commit if he/she feels that the special person in his or her life is completely loyal at all times.
Family and friends
If you have been dating for a few months or more and you have not been introduced to your partner's family and friends, now is the time to insist that you get that introduction. This is an important step on the path to a lifetime commitment. If there is hesitancy to do this, it may be an indication of not being ready to commit to a lifetime together. You should communicate your intention to pull out of the relationship.
Another important ingredient to getting a commitment from the man or woman in your life is to be happy with yourself. If you are happy it will ignite passion and other good vibes in the relationship, and before you know, your partner could well give you the commitment for a lifetime together.
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