Paul Messam, Contributor

We all, at some time, do things that bother or hurt others. When we lack the ability and the genuine will to say sorry, offences accumulate to damage any relationship at home, at work or in our communities. Without an apology no relationship would be free of them. Therefore, to give an apology is neither easy nor very comfortable. In Ali MacGraw's love story, a character died too young to learn: that love means being willing to say you are sorry.

"An apology is a way to make amends when you know that you have done something wrong," says Cherena Forbes, counselling psychologist, who now works with the National Youth Service training programme. "It is about saying sorry for something you did or shouldn't have done." According to Miss Forbes, when one apologises one should feel good about oneself. "For the apology to be worthwhile, it must be said and done in an atmosphere of humility, honesty, commitment, courage and generosity." She explained that the art of an effective apology can be simple and only good can come from mastering such an art.

Cherena Forbes says that firstly, in apologising one should examine one's own values. "Take the person aside and say how you could have done better and be sincere about it." She further explained that an effective apology should be sugar-coated with:

A. An explanation

B. A genuine expression of remorse

C. Reparations for any or every damage done

D. A genuine acknowledgement of the offence carried out.

She said one should:

1. Be blunt and fair and describe point by point what went wrong.

2. Ensure that the language used can help, not hinder, the relationship.

3. Acknowledge that the behaviour displayed was wrong, unjust and violated the parameter through which love operates.

4. Be sure to accept responsibility, even if it hurts or does not immediately clear the air.

5. Make clear explanations on why the behaviour occurred and what will be done to prevent another round of hurt, 'bad blood' and possibly hate.

"An apology that impacts me is the one that comes after the anger has settled," said Kennisha Brown, an educator assigned to Camperdown High School. "You could say the nicest apology, it does not mean a thing if I'm in a state of anger. I have to be in an accepting mood, and that would appear days after what happened. The apology must not be said in a crowd, but in private where there is no distraction, or there is no one to interfere with the process."